[Drew Afualo] I ONLY TELL JOKES AND TRUTHS Ft. Caleb Hearon | The Comment Section with Drew Afualo

Hey, y'all. Before we get into this week's episode, I have a very fun, very exciting announcement for all of you. I've been listening to all of your complaints and all of your requests. And starting right now, we will be posting fan favorite episodes of the comment section on the past your bedtime YouTube channel. And we're calling it replay Fridays. Woo hoo. Woo hoo. How exciting.

Woo hoo. But don't forget, new episodes of the comment section will still be exclusively on Spotify. The video lives exclusively on Spotify, but you can stream the audio on all streaming platforms. But now you'll be able to watch old fan favorite episodes on the past your bedtime YouTube channel. So you're welcome. No more complaining, and and let's get into the episode. Love you. Bye.

You know what I'm thinking of? The chants the rapper song where it goes, how great is our God? You know, and Dram is on it? No. Well, obviously, this is embarrassing. It has to be cut. Well, you know, obviously, I'd rather die than keep talking about that.

Hey, everyone. And welcome back to another episode of the comments section show starring me, Drew. And once again, nobody cares about me anymore. Ever since we became a Spotify exclusive and all my guests are even more amazing, and today is no exception. We have the one, the only Caleb Heron.

Now, I'm glad that you finally let gay people on the show.

That's all my show is. Yeah.

But I mean, you know, in a way, I'm the first one.

In a way.

How's it going? In a way.

It's going wonderful.

I'm so happy to be here. I'm such a fan of yours.

I'm so happy to have you.

You know this.

One of the funniest people I've ever met.

You know, all I do is It

gives me no pleasure to admit that. But it is true.

All I do is can I curse on here?

Yeah. Of course.

You bet. God. Well, all I do is run around talking about how much I love you. I think you're so funny. Same. So here we are.

I sing your praises everywhere I go.

Well, look at us. And thank you.

Who wouldn't?

And the checks come on time, don't they?

And it's paid back exponentially. Can I pay? We've known each other online for a minute now before we got to record together.

I wanna say it's been 25 years.

At least. At least. Minimum.

And you haven't aged a bit.

And we're both 14, so figure that out.

Figure that out. Do the math on that. I love being 14. It's different.

Same.

It's very different. Because at 13, I don't think I knew the world. And at 14, I feel like I

You became a woman? Run it?

I became a woman.

Yeah. 1st blood. 1st

She's at her blood. Yeah. Obviously, I became a woman at 14. You took the words out of my mouth.

There you go. I'm such a fan. Caleb is an extremely hilarious and successful comedian. Oh my god.

How long have

you been in in the stand up world?

Well, god. I started doing comedy when I was I mean, technically, I guess, like, 19 or 20. So it's been, like, it's been, like, 8 years now.

Oh, how old are you? 28?

I'm 28.

Oh my god. I'm turning 20 8 this year.

Oh my god.

Sweetie, bitch.

I have so much to tell you.

Be About what I'm in for

Yeah.

In the next 3 or 4 wait. How long is it? What is it? Of me not knowing math?

4 months. 4 months.

My birthday's in September.

Well, I don't want you to I'm gonna start with saying, I don't want you to be scared. Okay. But you're in for a rude awakening. I'm I'm something changed when I turned when I was like 20 through like I guess up until I was like 28, really. My whole twenties before this, I wanted to be I don't know. My intentions were so something changed on a dime. I was like, I wanna be like, I wanna be everywhere. I wanna be with everyone.

I wanna be seen. I wanna be somebody. And now all I wanna do is sit on a porch and visit.

I feel you.

I'm getting, like, midwestern amp pill. That's crazy.

I feel you so hard. I'm honestly so, old mentally. But I for me, I I think about it in the sense of, like, sometimes people ask me, like, oh, like, what's the nightlife like? Like, where you live? And I was like, there is no nightlife where I live

Yeah.

As it should be. Yeah. I'd I when I hear noise outside past 9

That's coyotes, bitch.

I'm I'm writing in the Nextdoor app. I'm like, did anyone hear that? Like an old person. Gunshots? Question mark?

Question mark? And they're like, no. That's raccoons in the trash.

And I'm like, okay, guys. And I'm like, hey, just so you guys know, I heard something outside. Like, I'm being one of those.

Yeah. You're on Nextdoor doing the old woman thing, and I love that.

That's one of my favorite apps.

Nextdoor? Do you

have a Nextdoor?

I'm not on there.

Girl, you should join it.

What's going on there?

That's where old people go to to bitch and moan and congregate. Like, I just I can't get enough of it. I literally get alerts. I don't have alerts for any app, but I have them for that.

I'm surprised to hear that you're on there, because when I hear Nextdoor, I'm I'm not on there. But when I think of it, I think, oh, the app where old white people go to pretend that they're cops.

Yeah. That's part of it.

And but you're you're you're policing right along with them?

I'm just in there.

You're definitely

in there. I'm anonymous. I'm I'm a fly on the wall. I'm just observing.

Okay.

But I I watch I watch them, like, they, like, fight. Like, they'll, like, beef with each other on there.

Yeah.

I watched this one guy go, watch out. Like, that was the caption. Have to click on it. Yeah. Click. Right? Open it up. Little paragraph. He's describing he's, like, there's, like, a a vulture flying around.

My dude's, like, 2 PM on a Tuesday. Doubt it.

Doubt it. Doubtful. But

But I have to stay tuned to find out. So then he's like, don't worry. I attached a picture. The picture taken from, I think, a toaster, but at least at least a 100 yards away. It's like this big. It's blurry as hell.

Yeah.

It's like lower than whatever, like, the iPhone 3 was. It's like before it's like early generation.

It's a Nokia brick. Yeah. Yeah.

And someone writes on there, you can't even tell what that is. That's it. I'm adding the inflection, but that's how I would have read it. Yeah. That was my post. Yeah. Then he goes, I'm just trying to help. And then someone says, if you wanna help, get a better phone.

I'm not even talking about Hear them out. Hear them out. Listen.

He made a valid point.

I used to when I when I first started out in comedy, I joined a bunch of, like, random Facebook groups that had nothing to do with me. And I I joined 1 I found 1 one time called, snake owners, parenthesis, nice people only. And I was like, I gotta investigate. Right?

Specific.

Specific. So I joined the group, and then I scrolled way back to figure out, like, what is the genesis of this group? And I found out the truth, the t, which is that there used to be a group just called Snake Owners. And and what was happening was people were posting their snake and being, like, look at my snake. And then people were commenting, like, ugly. Trolled. People were being, like, fat, ugly, bad markings. And so

so They're body shaming your snake.

They're body shaming the snake. And so they're being fat phobic towards the snake, and then so someone was like, I've had enough. It's time for nice people. And so they started snake owners nice people only. And then one day, this group was going up about Simone Biles. They were like, Simone Biles, Simone Biles. Oh my god. I'm so proud of Simone Biles.

Yeah. And so I'm thinking, like, Simone Biles did something incredible at the Olympics, another big win for black women. Like Yeah. I'm thinking she did something for the culture.

Greatest athlete of all time.

Greatest athlete of all time. Or I'm thinking, like, okay. Simone Biles did it again. Yeah. And then I get in the comments and find out she bought a snake.

And they're like, she's one of us.

And they were, like, huge for representation. I was like, we need to walk out of the snake.

We're like, hold on.

Hold on.

It's gone a little far.

It's yeah. I'm like

it's gone a little far.

This is too much. And they meant it.

And they meant that.

So some Simone Biles, if you're out there, girl, I hope your snake is okay. There's a bunch of people rooting for you.

And snake owners only, nice people.

Nice people.

Nice snake owners, nice people only. Only? I think the only Facebook group I ever joined well, that I can remember was right out of college, I played, you know, I'm broke and I don't wanna get a regular job.

Oh, no.

So naturally, I turned to cosplaying. That was a joke. To my fellow cosplayers, that was a joke. I understand it's some funsies. I did it for money though.

Yeah.

So I Moana, the movie had just come out, so I decided to be Moana because I was like, might as well. Mhmm. If I'm gonna be stereotyped, I'm gonna do it for money.

Right.

So I got added to, like, a children's birthday, like, character group. And, it's literally I I I joined it because I was, like, oh, maybe I'll find, like, parents who are looking for characters or whatever. There's nothing but people trying to sell used party shit in there. I'm, like, they're, like, hey, I have, like, 3 lightly used chairs, and I look and they look like they've been ran over several times,

and then they're like,

$20 OBO. And that's all it was. I'm like, why am I even in this group? And then some people would be like, I'll give you 7. And he's like, the price says 20. Like, they're just, like, arguing with each other. It's like Facebook Marketplace Yeah. But inside a group.

Don't put OBO if you don't want BO. I'm saying 7's BO.

You said OBO.

Right.

So I like how You were 7. Hard out the gate, he's like, 7.

7. Take it or leave it. Yeah. I I'm I am I was trying to buy a couch on, OfferUp. Yeah. Because, like, rich people in Beverly Hills will put up their their really nice couches for, like, they'll put up for, like, $800, a $7,000 couch. They're like, I just want it out of the pool house, you know. And this woman had a couch on there.

It was a very nice couch. I knew the brand, and it was like she had it for 800. And I messaged her,

and I was like, hey.

I'll give you 600 for it. I'll come pick it up today. Yeah. And she was and this is when I had moved into a new place. And she messaged me back, and she was like, hi. So incredibly offensive. This couch is worth blah blah blah. And I only it's only been up for 3 weeks.

So, like, obviously, I'm gonna hold firm on the price. And I was like

Oh, okay.

I don't know. It's it's 90210 is the ZIP code, bitch. So if you need if you need $200 on the couch, you need to talk to someone other than me.

I don't know. Yeah. I think you have a bigger problem.

Yeah. I'm like, just give me the couch for 600. Obviously, I'm not like a struggling artist.

What are you? Hard for the $200?

You don't

you need that money?

Oh, because it's in the pool house. You're good.

Light we use I she's like, I just don't like it anymore.

Truly. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it.

He just says, I just don't like it anymore. I love rich people.

I think everything they do is iconic. I love the way they behave.

At the end of the day, it's some it's almost always camp when they do things like that.

Rich people are always camp because they're just so fun. Like, I love and rich people also don't know why we hate them. So they'll just be, like, they'll be, like, well, if we pay the workers what they're worth, we won't make as much money. And they'll just say that kind of shit out loud.

Like they say

Live television. And I love it. I'm like, that's hilarious. You really belong in jail. You're so funny.

You're like actually a criminal.

Yeah.

So that's crazy.

Yeah. If I ever come to power, you're dead.

I love how they Yeah. They just don't care. They're like, at this point, like, there are some celebrities that I'm like, if I could reach that level of delusion, I think I'd need to be in a hospital.

I would hospitalize you.

Yeah. I'm 5150 me. That's okay.

I'm keeping watch.

It's kind of like like how, well, maybe I'll see if I wanna keep this in. But, it's kind of like how J. Lo is like universally hated on the Internet. Why is that? But according to her,

not at all.

Nobody hates her. Yeah. And you know what? That's camp. Like, okay.

Yeah. Work,

bitch. I mean Well,

in a similar way I

know why everybody hates you, but you don't. You don't. You're really the only person that should know. So I guess Here we are. PEMDAS cancels out, I guess.

PEMDAS and then you carry the 1 and it's I'm universally loved.

Yeah. She's like, well, what if I just didn't choose to believe that?

Yeah. This is how I cured my depression, by the way. This is a this is a very similar thing. I was so depressed when I was in my early twenties. I couldn't, you know, I was like, oh, I wanna die. I wanna die. I was so depressed. You guys know how depression is.

And if you're out there and you're struggling, I don't know what to tell you, but I'll tell you what I'll tell you what worked for me and that's every time I hear something that depresses me, I just go, oh, that's not true. Like, when someone brings up climate change, I go, the climate's fine. And I it really works.

Gaslight. Gaslight yourself.

Every day, I I hear something depressing and I go, that's incorrect.

That is I simply choose not to accept them.

I'm happy as a clam.

Just lie.

Please lie.

At the end of the day, I love to lie.

Delusions. Yeah.

When we went to, Coachella this year, my boyfriend's brother came with us, and he's, visiting. Like, he doesn't live here. So he was, like, super fired up. He's never been to Coachella, and we took him, and, we walked past somebody, and someone was like, oh my gosh, like, to him, and they were like, are you, they asked him, are you Joe Burrow? And then he goes, no. And then he goes, oh, you look like him. And then they're just looking at each other, and then he goes, well, I'm not. So

So And he

was like, okay. Like, he was super like and, like, walked off. And then, one of our friends, like, one of Britney's friends, Katie, she, like, took a picture of, like, him, like, Billy's brother, like, kind of, like, the corner of his face.

And

then she was, like, oh my god, guys. Joe Burrow's standing next to me, like, in VIP, and all these people were like, oh my god. No way. She goes, I just love to lie.

Yeah. It's great.

I would love to lie.

Lying is great because it helps to propagate my worldview.

There you go.

You know? So I say, I just lie about things. Like, I'll be like, oh, they did a scientific study that fat guys are better lovers. You know, I'll just say things like this. And

who's to say it's not true?

By the way What's to say? Exactly correct. Also, you you brought up your boyfriend and I wonder I wanna I wonder, do your fans know when you hang out with Drew, you're just gonna walk into a room with, like, 7 of the sexiest people you've ever seen in your fucking life. The the boyfriend, the sister, the mom. It really is like Drew's family. I it really is like you walk in the hairstylist. You're Adam. Adam. Yeah.

You just walk in the room and you're like, well, I better be getting laid. I mean, everyone in here is gorgeous.

One of these bitches is gonna fuck me.

Drew's beat to death.

You know,

it's just like everyone in here is sexy and I walk in in like a a stained Carhartt shirt. And I'm I'm like I'm like, who? Let me security should take me out of here.

I'm a 5150 you. 5150. At that part.

Yeah.

I know sometimes when people meet my boyfriend and I, they don't realize because you're really tall. Caleb's super tall, and I like, every time they see us, they're like, I thought you were, like, kidding about being tall. And I was like, I may tell a joke, but I never tell a lie. Unless I lie, then that's me lying.

And then I'm lying.

Then then I'm lying. And then in that case, I am lying.

It's all jokes and truths until I lie.

And then

it's a lie. And write that down. I've always said that. And I've and I've been saying that.

I've been saying that for, like, years.

I wanna say since, like, the nineties. Yeah. I've been

saying that.

It's all truths and jokes until it's lies, and then I'm lying.

I was just talking about this, on my podcast with my sister, but I did, like, some work stuff, And I was working with another man, and he's he's probably just barely shorter than me. Like, he's probably, like, 5 10, 5 11 because I'm 6 feet tall. And so when we're being we're being filmed, like, for, like, commercial type stuff, and so they want us to be kind of the same height. And so when I was I was getting styled for it, and I was, like, just so you guys know I'm tall. So, like, if that matters optics wise, like, you might wanna give me a flat shoe or something, and they're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.

For sure. And then, they didn't give me a flat shoe. They gave me, like, heels, like, heeled boots that are kind of tall. So, I I end up being, like, 6 2, 6 3. And then, when I got there to the shoot, they were like, oh, you meant like tall. I was like, yeah. Yeah. So they had to have someone go and buy me a flatter pair of shoes.

Yeah.

Like, I was wearing, like, 8th grade promotion heels, bitch. Like, you know, those like

Not those.

Half a quarter They had you in church type shoes. Yeah. A church yeah. Easter Sunday. Yeah. He has risen type shoes.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I had on because I was so tall that it just it we look like twins. They had to

put you in the how great is our god eleven.

Yeah. And the oceans. Well

By the

way, that's the name of that song. Right? Oceans?

Do you

know that song?

Oceans.

Well, What's the name of that song? They always play it at, like, Hillsong. Is it Oceans? Look it up.

I'm thinking of you know what I'm thinking of? The chants the rapper song where it goes, how great is our God, you know, and Dramas on it? No. Well, obviously, this is embarrassing. It has to be cut.

Well, you

know, obviously, I'd rather die than keep talking about that.

I've, been watching Chance to Rapper a lot on The Voice.

Do you

watch The Voice?

No. I don't watch a lot of TV. I did not know he was on The Voice. Yeah.

He was on The Voice this season.

I like him.

I think I'm the only person who's been watching this season, but it's great. Yeah. It's just me

by myself. It's you alone.

Yeah. I've been doing promo for them, and they haven't hired me. Yeah. That's crazy.

I lived in Chicago right after acid rap came out.

Oh, I love acid rap. It's so great. I had it on SoundCloud because I was, too much of a brokey to have a Spotify. Now I have a Spotify.

Congratulations. Oh my god.

Thank you so much.

That's huge. I really love Spotify.

Me too. You and me both.

They're doing incredibly good work. Far superior to other music carriers. But you

know what we don't like? Fatphobia.

Speak for yourself.

Oh my god. Okay. So okay. Hold on. Wait. Hold on really quickly. Because my sister actually reminded me. Before we move on, I have 2 things I wanna say to you.

First one, the first TikTok I ever saw of you that made me laugh so hard I I peed a little bit, was when you were saying how people always comment on your weight. Yeah. Well, they're like, what you you said in the video, what you need to remember is that my life is better than yours.

Period.

And it always will be.

Period.

Yo. I I could gain I could lose weight. I could gain more weight, and I would still be infinitely happier than you.

Bitch, I could go Brendan Fraser in the whale mode. I could be I could be scooting myself around with a little thing and you would still not have

the life I have. Believe that. Believe it, bitch.

Men on the Internet?

Come on.

This is the this is the thing about men on the Internet who wanna report to me that I'm fat. Yeah. They like to tell me that I'm fat. First of all, duh. It's like my whole career. I own a house because of it, bitch. Like, that's point number 1.

I believe that,

bitch. I

believe that.

And number 2, they love to do it. They love to tell you, like, they're just reporting the news. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I'm just this is just the facts. And it's like, okay. So then when I talk about the fact that you wish you were a comedian, which I am, and you don't even make the people at your part time job laugh, then we don't care about journalistic integrity anymore.

No. All of a sudden The

truth telling is off the table. Well, then it's So what happened then?

That is just mean.

Well, then it's hateful. Yeah. I can't bring up that you're 5 4. Yeah. Now I'm in trouble.

You're telling me, bitch. So what's yeah. I just that's why

I love your stuff so much is because, well, I love you for a lot of reasons. And one of I mean, your content is obviously so specifically delightful to people who have ever had to deal with these kind of dudes. But also, like,

I mean,

you know, we don't have to go super far into it because I don't wanna get us off topic. But the thing I love about you is that you treat these guys the way that they treat us. Yeah. And also, I think you could convince or, like, taught a lot of people on the Internet that, like, there are people out there like us Yeah. Who are women and queer people and people of color and we exist in bodies that are not size zeros Yep. And we're not losers.

Yeah.

The the portrayal in the media of people who are not thin as losers Yeah. There is not a single part of my life that you could look at and go, loser. Yeah. You know what I mean? But these guys would love for you to believe it.

Yeah. They do. It's like the speaking of gaslight, like, that's, like, the biggest gaslight ever is I'm convincing that, like, the world are trying to convince people that they'll never truly be happy unless their body looks a certain way

Yeah.

Which I'm, like, don't have time to be looking at this body, man. Too busy collecting a check off that back knee filled back bitch. Let me tell you something. I'm busy. I don't have time.

Your back's looking like the surface of Mars if you wanna talk to me.

And you wanna talk to me about looks.

You wanna talk to me about being fat. Also, I the the number of those kind of guys who come to me and and act like I don't get laid. That's crazy. First of all, I your friend. Let's start there.

Ask him.

Your best friend? Go

ahead and ask him.

He's d l on Grindr and we've been together. Okay? That's the one.

We're going steady, bitch.

We're going steady. He he pinned me. We're going to the sock hop. Me and him wear an item. We go together.

I wear in his letterman's jacket.

I wear his letterman's jacket. Yeah. Okay? I ride on the back of his bicycle like face. I got a little helmet on him.

You're Your face facing this way.

I'm holding his waist, bitch. He writes love songs about me. Yes. And you write love songs about him because that's the other secret is these guys are all in love with their friends. Girl. They hate women.

They really do.

They hate women.

They absolutely do. I talked about this with, Bob the drag queen, but I saw these 2 horrible men, like, horrible, horrible, horrible, talking about, how disgusting they thought it was to, like, eat pussy. Like, they've got Oh,

I love when they get out.

These are 2 allegedly straight men. Yeah. Really homophobic men. Transphobic. And then they're, like, so disgusting. Like, vaginas are so gross. Yeah. And then they're, like, second dick? That's different.

Not that I would know. Yeah. Not from experience. Yeah. I'm just assuming Yeah. Because I'm straight.

It's everyday with these straight guys being

like, I

hate eating pussy, but for $1,000, would I suck a dick? It's like no one asked. You're inventing scenarios. For a grand?

For a grand?

Now I know things are tough. Except for a grand. For a grand? Now I know

it's not looking at at least, babe. Negotiate Please. Of yourself.

No. Not a $1,000. After taxes? Yes.

By the

time you pay the team and the taxes?

Not a $1,000 net.

But there's no team, is there? But there's no team, is there?

Someone retweeted and said, I'm being so serious. This is not a joke. Have either of y'all ever thought about actually sucking a dick for real? Yeah. I think you'd be into it.

It's a good time. I love sucking dick. I if I have a free minute, I'm you know, if if I've got a break in my day, I look at my schedule. So I'm not even kidding. So sometimes I'll have a day and I'll have 2 hours in the afternoon and I'll go, we should find a dick to suck.

Why not? I could on the way home

Giving and getting head

You said I could I could get my steps in, give my head By the way. On the way to the next place.

And I'll make my next business meeting. I'll be on Zoom. From the from the from the jet to the truck to the hotel lobby to the boardroom to giving head. You know? Busy day. It's a business lady's lifestyle and prerogative.

And that's the true definition of a girl boss.

The true definition of a girl boss. Yeah. I'm hesitant to say that giving head is the definition of a girl boss. I think that might be more your lane. Yeah. I think I should probably stay over here.

I feel you.

But I think yeah.

Yeah. I think men are so easy. It's, like, ridiculously easy to give head anyways. It's hard to give head to women because you have to be good at it. Yeah. You give I I could just, like, stare at a dick long enough and it would ejaculate. Yeah. If I just, like, really

I've come a couple times since we've been

in there. Powers.

Yeah. I'm I'm just being in just I mean, it's so easy for us. There you go. And it's not like that for people with vaginas. It's definitely It's

really not. It's a hard system. It's a skill.

That's why I'm gay. I I tried I tried That's

why you chose to be gay.

I chose to be gay, which people do. And it is a here's the thing. You can choose to be gay, and it is a sin. And, you know, it's just easier this way.

Wait. I thought of the other thing that I wanted to ask and tell you I saw about you was your post when you were in the new Jurassic Park movie

Mhmm.

And how they they were interviewing you and they cut for me to watch, was it, Terry Crews Mhmm. Get out of the car. Yeah.

And he wasn't even dressed up.

And he wasn't even in the movie.

He wasn't in the movie. He wasn't dressed up. Now, by the way, this is my first red carpet. I'm in Jurassic World, bitch, and you can write that down as well.

Literally in the movie, like, actually.

Now is it for 35 seconds? That's nobody's business. But the point is

But you got that sad card, bitch.

Well, I got the sad card. And that's

all that matters.

And I I am being interviewed about the movie, and, you know, doing drastic was so fun because I'm the director is a friend of mine and he let me, like, name my character and rewrite the scene with him and, like, really got to work on it in a super cool way. So I'm excited to be on the carpet talking about it. And they're, of course, bringing up POV videos, which I don't like being on the Internet. I'm not really even on there that much anymore personally, but they're bringing up the POV videos and I'm being a good sport about it and then immediately I watch the video back after I get home that night and it's like they put me they put me in a small corner in the bottom being like, yeah, so the new Jurassic movie is like, it's really powerful and then it's Terry Crews getting out of the car. He's not excited to be there. He's not dressed up. He's wearing jeans and a t shirt, bitch. And he's not in the movie.

He wasn't even looking at the camera. No.

And then they were like, Terry Crews just got here. They're like, announcing him walking. I'm in a suit and tie. Do you know how embarrassing and so I guess there I said earlier, there's no point in my life you could point to and go loser. A lie. When they cut to Terry Crews, a lie.

That was, again, a lie.

It's all different to us.

Everything I say is the truth until I tell a lie,

and then I'm like lying.

Yeah. That was your very first carpet for, like, a movie you were in.

That was my first carpet. I had been in things before that. I had been in a couple of TV shows and stuff, but that was my first film premiere.

Oh, cool. Yeah. My very I was just literally on the way down here. I was, talking about how my very first, movie premiere I ever walked was for the movie Ambulance. Don't know if anyone saw

it. Yeah. I'm trying to think of it.

I saw it. It's a Michael Bay movie.

Oh, okay.

It's based on a true story. It's basically, like, 2 2 guys are, like, down on their luck. They need money. They commit a robbery, and then they hijack an ambulance, and it has someone in there that got shot. And they're, like, hijacking it, and there's a nurse in there, and she's trying to keep him alive and, like, supposed to be, like, a what do you call it? Suspenseful?

Yeah. Tale as old as time. So I You

know when that happens.

Every time I've ever been down on money, I've said I see an ambulance and I go, I might. I might hijack that business.

Don't tempt me. Yeah. Don't tempt me.

I might take that and do something with a nurse.

It's It's nice to have a safety net. Yeah. That's my safety net.

It's just good to know. Yeah. It's like if everything went wrong, I could always hijack an ambulance.

I'll just turn into Jake Gyllenhaal, and I'll just rob a bank.

Oh, if I was Jake Gyllenhaal,

the the way wreaking havoc on the world.

It wouldn't be robbery. I'll tell you that. I wouldn't be the only thing I'd be stealing is hearts. If I was Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake Gyllenhaal, there I'm actually gonna cry because there's a picture of him that's so hot. Do you know the

Did you see Southpaw? Is that what the picture's from? No. I don't even

know what that is. Is he in that?

Some Jake Gyllenhaal fan.

No. That's not what I said. What I'm a fan of is hot guys.

I feel you.

And I like to see him on the streets.

I feel you.

I like to see him on the yeah. He's so hot. I mean, hot guys, as long as they don't speak, it's it can be so perfect.

Yeah. It's once they open that gob, they start, like talk

and you go,

No. Or no. No. Well, I went to I went to ambulance, and I was really nervous because it was, like, my first, like, real red carpet premiere. And, I took my boyfriend. And when I go up, like, my publicist, like, she couldn't come with me. So, like, they gave me a random person there, and she's, like she pulls out you know, they they hold, like, those little cards with their names on them. Hers was, like, maybe this big.

Don't know how anyone's supposed to see that, but that's okay. And we've actually pulled, like, a receipt out of her purse and, like, wrote it down really quick, and then was, like, here it is. So she's holding it like this. She did. So she didn't tell me not to hold my bag or take off my jacket, so I'm just, like, full, like, fully I don't know shit about carpets. So I'm just walking, and she's going like this, and she's going, oh, no? Oh, I guess I don't want any. No? Oh, I guess I don't want any.

Like, she

and she's saying it out loud. Hey, I don't need the updates. Yeah. I can see them go. Yeah.

Throw it.

I don't need it.

Moving along. Yeah.

Yeah. And so, we get, and then finally someone, she's like, oh, these people want one. Like, yeah. Take pictures. So, I'm like standing there smiling. They take like maybe a couple.

Yeah.

Then everyone starts getting like like, oh. Like, everyone starts setting up. Everyone starts flashing, and I'm like, period. Right? Like, I'm like, okay. Well, now you bitches are awake. No. Turn I turned around and Jason Momoa was next to me.

Yeah.

And then they're like, move, bitch.

Get out of the way.

Hey. Hey. Move. Move. They're like,

what was her name again? Can't. Drew, can you move?

I can't read your sign, but whatever it says, move.

You're beautiful. Do it over there.

So if I ever if I ever meet him, I'm gonna tell him I have beef with Jason Momoa for two reasons.

Yeah.

The first is Aquaman, ruined my life for a couple years because he bears a passing resemblance to my boyfriend. When that movie came out, white people couldn't be stopped. No. Everywhere my boyfriend went, they were like, you know who you look like? They were literally like, can I take a picture with you? And they know that's not him. Yeah. They know. Yeah. He's in a 24 Hour Fitness.

Yeah. Like, that's not him, bitch.

It's not Jason Momoa.

No. And they're like, I still want a picture though. And he was like, oh, okay. And my boyfriend hates attention, so he was taking pictures all the time. Then I thought, okay, I can make this into a bit. So when they come up and they're like, you know, he look he look just like Jason Momoa. I go, oh my god. I get that all the time.

Like, I just interrupt. And then every time I said that, nobody left.

I would laugh.

Not one person left.

I would laugh.

I said, damn. Swing and a miss.

Also, here's what I'd like to say to white people, and the list is long, but I'll keep it short. First of all, hello. It's me, your fellow white. When you find yourself wanting to say, do you know who you look like to a person of color? Bottle it.

Maybe

Keep it in. Don't. Because it's not gonna do what you think it's gonna do ever ever ever. Never.

Never. You're gonna be wrong. Years.

Or you're gonna be right, and it's gonna be like they know. And it's like either way, you just as a white person can you just as a white person can mind your own business.

They used to tell my boyfriend he looked like Maui from Moana, which is like, so far from the truth. It's not even funny. Yeah. And I was like, well, no. Then I got mad with that one. I started being like, he doesn't. He's just a big brown guy, and you've never seen a big brown guy. It's alright.

You can say

it. Correct. It's alright. White people, we really have to. Y'all, the brand is in trouble.

And it's been

for a while. Yeah. Yeah.

Your PR team's working overtime, girl.

Days and nights. Days and nights, Adderall and Red Bull. They can't get off the phones. And it's like all we have to do is shut up or speak about what you know. Like, you're all I'll talk about being fat and gay all day long. But when it when it comes time to talk about issues that affect black people, watch me.

That's it. Taking notes. That's it. Learning.

I'm learning while I'm doing the work.

Mhmm.

And I'm I'm I'm that's it. I'm doing the work.

That's pretty much it.

I'm the yeah. I'm the best white person there's that's out there.

But the one thing that you and I have a lot in common is fatphobia in the sense of being it being used against us.

We're perpetuating it.

All the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Me and you are going out and yelling at fat people all the time.

Wait. Wasn't your, your tour was called glorifying obesity or something?

Glorifying obesity tour. Yeah. Yeah. I'm about to do, like, 20 more studies for that.

Do they do they, tell you that on your socials and stuff that you're glorifying glorifying obesity? I've heard that.

Oh, people love to tell me I'm glorifying obesity.

And I just that argument never makes sense to me. It it does.

It does to me. I go I go, yeah. I get I mean, I guess it is. To me, it is not as big of an insult as they think it is. Because they go, you're glorifying obesity, and I go, so you wanna be me? I'm glorifying something. You wanna be you're saying

made me so mad.

I make it look good. Yeah. Like, well, I don't understand. Like, what is even the I'm glorifying obesity. Okay. Then then gain some weight. Yeah. If I'm making it look so glorious

Then catch up, I guess.

You're behind.

I don't know.

On everything. Mostly rent, but

a lot of other things as well. But mostly back taxes.

I mean, yeah. You you owe the IRS before you talk to me, and then you owe me some weight. Yeah. Yeah. People the glorifying obesity thing is so funny to me. I mean, all of it is so funny to me. Yeah. Because I go, I'm good.

Same.

I'm good. I I get people asking me a lot, like, you know, how do you deal with people, like, calling especially comments about weight. Like, they're, like, how do you not let that bother you? And I was, like, it just doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't bother me when people comment on my weight because I'm just so rich, I guess.

It's I don't know. It's spacious in the building. Yeah.

What can I say? In the Sprinter, it doesn't really matter.

In the Sprinter, yeah. They they load me in there. They they dangle food in front of me, and I walk right on.

I just roll myself up there. Yeah. I just I tell them. I'm like, because 9 times out of 10, the men saying that to me are such fuggos. So, like, it doesn't when ugly people try to tell me things, I'm like, whatever it is you said, I'm not listening to it. Yeah. I didn't absorb one thing you said.

It I mean, I will say look. Does it do I take it to heart ever? No. Mhmm. But I think there is, like, a there the times that it gets me sad, it does make me deeply sad sometimes. And the times that it makes me sad, all bits aside, is, like, I get sad thinking about the sheer volume of it and the sheer, like because when you're on the Internet, this is why I don't really do the Internet much anymore. It's like Yeah. Not that I, that the comments upset me, but then I'm just like, I don't really want to participate in this volume of people, taking my ideas in any type of way.

Yeah. I feel you.

I'm kind of that makes me uncomfortable, but the the volume of it, I go, oh, there's so many sad people out there. Yeah. And what starts to make what starts to make me sad is not that they think I'm fat or unattractive or whatever. It's like, I don't care. You're not my target audience for anything. For comedy, for sex

Yes.

For friendship, for anything.

Yeah. Anything at all.

But what makes me sad is that you walk around the world being so upset and hurt and replaying that trauma on everyone that you come across

Yeah. That

you're just making the world a worse place. Yeah. And also that you are hurting the feelings of people who aren't me.

Yeah. Exactly.

Because there are people who you're saying that to in your life that are not confident or doing well or enjoying, like, it it would be best. Ask too.

Yeah. I think because they're they're like, if that were me, I wouldn't be able to handle that, which is fair and valid. I don't think many people could, to be honest. I I tell people ever since I started doing this, I'm like, this is not for everyone. Like, specifically, not just, like, being in the industry of entertainment as a whole, but, like, being, like, a social media person is, like, first is not for everyone. It's not everyone's cup of tea. It's not what everyone could handle, because it's a lot. And that's why I tell people that well, first off, with with the fat comments, like, fat's not a bad word, which I've told people many times.

I'm like, it's, an adjective and nothing more. It's not there's no negative connotation to it to me, so it doesn't hurt me. Like, I took all the power away from it because I understand in unlearning my own fatphobia that it's not a bad thing to be fat. Like and I saw them and the the tea at the end of the day with men who say shit like that is, like, they've been taught their whole lives to hate themselves if they look a certain way, and then they see people who look that way or look any a much different way living their lives, and they're healthy and happy and in love and successful, and that drives them crazy because they're, like, I've been taught to hate myself this whole time. I kill myself in the gym or whatever that it is they do to look a certain way, and I'm still deeply unhappy. And this person doesn't do that, and they're happier than me.

And I know that's the truth because I've processed through my own version of it. Yeah. Like as a fat person, you have to process your own fat phobia and your own. I've when I was when I was 17, 18, and like, you know, trying to lose weight all the time and going on all these diets and not feeling confident and hating who I was and not feeling like I would ever be attractive or sexy, which was the unattractive and unsexy thing about me at the time, by the way. Yeah. The the thought that I couldn't be. Yeah. When I was in that space, I would look at other fat people who weren't feeling the way I was feeling and go, oh, you're like, I would be repulsed by that.

Yeah. And I because I because of internalized fat phobia, I would be like, ew, the fact that you don't hate the way we are is like, you're not, you're not as smart as I am. You don't see what I see. Yeah. So the work that I have put in to undo those things in myself that have been given to me by, an extremely racist and classist and up, misogynistic, fat phobic society. Yeah. The that undoing work only makes me more certain that that's what's going on with the people who are still there.

Yeah. Absolutely.

You know? And it's like, it comes from so many different places, but like everything in our society, fatphobia comes from racism. Yep. It's like it comes from racism. White supremacy. White people seeing literal slaves

Yep.

With curvy bodies that were different, that were from different continents, and going, oh, that's disgusting because those people aren't human. Yeah. It comes from the dehumanization of people of color. Yeah. And so it me up even more when I see when I see white people participating in any bad behavior, I go, right. Yeah. That's what white people do. It's it's the white prerogative Yeah.

Because of white supremacy. Yeah. When I see non white people engaging in it, when I see non white people engaging in those things, I go, oh, you you can't know. You can't know where this comes from.

Yeah. No.

You must not be knowledgeable.

Well, absolutely. And I've and I've even had conversations like that before on my TikTok, like, the few times that I'm, like, not being, like, suck my wiener. And I'm, like, actually trying to, like like, make valid points. Like, those are the videos I get. You're actually kinda smart. I'm, like, well, just because I tell people to eat my ass doesn't mean I'm not smart, but that's besides the point. I've had conversations about how everything is tied together at the end of the day, like, white supremacy, racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, all of that. Every single hateful thing that happens in society can be traced back to the very earliest forms of bigotry at the very, like, inception of this country and this government, like, the world in general.

And the few times I have said that, they're like, why do you always bring up race? And I'm like, because it fucking matters. It plays a huge role. And I've talked about how with me and my content, like, how if I looked a different way, like, the things that I say would be received a lot differently than they are because of what I look like and how I'm built and everything. And they're always like, that's not true. You're just hateful. And I was like, well, that's not entirely true because I've had, a white girl in the past. She's, like, stolen a lot of my jokes. I had to block her.

It was, like, a year and a half ago, but she, like, literally was saying the exact same insults, like, verbatim. My jokes, my laughs, like, literally everything. She just, like, did it. Like, she just copy and pasted my video into her own way. And, every man in there was super supportive. They were like, hey, you know what? Tough but fair. Hey.

Yeah.

I love a good raz.

She got him.

At the end of the day, I love a joke. Yeah. I it you know what? You gotta learn to laugh at yourself. And for some reason, that courtesy is never extended towards me. So and I was like, that's literally honestly, when that happened, that made me so angry. But at the same time, it made me feel good because it validated me. Like, it validate it proved me right, and I'm a Virgo, and I love to be right. Yeah.

So This also, this this what you're talking about, this, like, this the the theft of not only content and jokes, which is the theft of writing, but also the theft of persona and personality and cadence and style is a huge problem with the Internet. Yeah. Because the Internet traffic's in Twitter traffic in a certain version of it, and TikTok has taken it to a whole another level. But the Internet exists in memes and virality. Yeah. And those are things that can only be virality is a little different, but memes inherently, require existing, source material Mhmm. And shared knowledge. Yeah.

And so this problem with the Internet that I have a lot of times in terms of comedy is that so much of it's whack and horrible.

Yeah.

And the reason it that comedy on the Internet is so often whack and horrible is because it's almost impossible at times to, like, build a following or go viral with original content. Yeah. Because, well, a lot of people lack originality. Of course, that's, like, original sin of it. But then, like, also the Internet, like, so much of of TikTok specifically is, like, formats and trends and Yeah. Dances and, like, things that already exist. It's just your take on the source material.

Yeah.

And there are people who do it creatively.

New. Yeah.

It's not new. Yeah. Except for your stuff. And you created a whole lane on that app that really is one of the only things that makes that app worth it for me.

Oh, thank you.

And you created that lane because I think and I've been telling you to do stand up. Yeah. And if they leave this in, I want Drew's fans to tell her to do stand up because she's a stand up. Like, she's literally a stand up comedian. Just go do the thing. Yeah. Please. But but I think the the best my in my opinion, the best commune comedians in the world are the best communicators.

And the best communicators, a lot of times people think, oh, that's because they're the best speakers. But I think, actually, it's because they're the best listeners. Yeah. And I think the thing that's brilliant about what you do and why people have latched onto it so much is not just the obvious stuff. Like, we like seeing men put in their place. Yeah. That's, like, the network exec version of it. That's the simplest thing.

Yeah. What's really going on is that you are listening better than a lot of people to what these guys are actually saying. Mhmm. Because what they're saying is you're fat, you're ugly, you're glorifying obesity, you're, you're Shamu, whatever the fuck they're saying to us. Yeah. But the if you are listening and not just hearing, what's really going on is the fact that you went out of your way to say that to me Mhmm. On my page, right here, when I'm taking down someone who is actively being hateful and awful Mhmm. Is that you wanna keep me in my place.

Yeah. And that there's a there's a different thing going on with the levels of power of that. Yeah. That's listening. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And that's why you're brilliant.

Tee, bitch.

And if this gets cut, I will kill myself because it was a nice compliment.

No. That's for sure staying in.

No. That's staying in.

Keeping that in the cloud.

Keep that in.

Thank you. I think I think too, like, I've talked about how when they're, like, I wish you would go about it a different way. I wish you would be, you know what I mean, nice or whatever. First of all, I'm, like, no real change in this world has ever been brought about by being nice. That's 1. Especially when you're talking about oppression. And I was, like, but 2, like, men like this, especially, they don't even really care about what it is I said. I mean, yeah, they do care to some extent, but the bigger, like, problem and issue they have is that I don't care what they said.

Yeah. Like, what they said didn't affect me literally at all, but what I said affected them. And they they can't comprehend, like, when they say, like, I would never someone like you. And then I go, same. And then they're, like, what is that supposed to mean? Why would you say that to me? What? They're, like, I can't I don't wanna you, but I can't believe you don't want me to you. Yeah. It's like an entitlement that they have to women. Yeah.

That sounds like it's an entitlement to your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts, like, everything about you, they feel entitled to, even who you're attracted to. They're, like, I'm never gonna be attracted to you, but you have to be attracted to me because I'm a man.

Yeah. Wrong. By the way, wrong, incorrect, untrue. The the the I don't like the way you go about it thing is, like, it's so counterproductive. It's, like, why don't you just latch on to the fact and connect with me on the fact that we both want the same thing which is Yeah. If if you're truly if your only issue with me is that you don't like the way I go about something, then let's just agree that we both want the same end goal and be happy because it takes all kinds. Yeah. One person who I think is exhibiting, like, such grace in an a situation I can't even imagine is Dylan Mulvaney.

Mhmm. The way that Dylan processes the level of hate that she receives for absolutely nothing from transphobes

Yeah.

Who don't deserve to breathe oxygen

Yes. Period.

The way she handles that with grace and kindness and love, I think is so inspiring, number 1. And number 2, it will never be me. Yeah. I am never going to process someone coming at me with that kind of hatred with kindness. Same. I'm gonna you up because I I don't relate to that. Same. I just don't want to.

Same. And so it's like I respect that and I love it and I have so much admiration for it.

Same.

But if you wanna point out that I'm fat on my page, I'm gonna point out that you work at a gas station. You know what I mean?

And it is what it is.

And it is what it is.

Let's just call it even.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

We all we both did our best. We did.

Today, we both showed up. You clocked in and I clocked in. We did what we had to do. At the end of the

day, we had fun.

And we're still good friends, I hope.

I hope we can still stay friends after this.

I hope every man who's ever insulted me, I hope you know that I love you, and I'm showing you tough love.

I don't, and I'll make sure you know that. And that's what and when I had Dylan on this show, we we talked about that too, where we we talked about how, like, she's kinda like my tether. Yeah. She's like the my the good version of me. When they extracted good and bad DNA, I'm the bad one and she's the good one. Yeah. Because we, like, handle hate in very different ways. But that's why I've told people before when they said, like, I would never handle it that way, then don't.

I'm not telling you how to handle bigotry.

Yeah.

I'm showing you how I handle it.

Yeah.

So how I do it is not up to you. But if you feel entitled to that, white supremacy.

Also, that's by the way, and also that's an extremely fun hypothetical you've created. Yes. When you have 8,000,000 followers and the level of in your processing, the level of hate that Drew is processing, give me a call.

Let me know.

Give me a call.

And I and I've even said to, like, at that point, it's like, okay, then it you have so much to say and so much critique about how I choose to do it. And what are you doing besides critiquing me? Yeah. That's why I was like, you guys aren't even in the game, but you wanna tell me from the stands how to play. Right. That makes no sense. So that's why I'm like, why don't you get in here and do something about it then? If you feel like you have a much better, more efficient, and not harmful way of handling it, by all means.

Go handle him.

Do it.

Waste up the gloves.

They're like, well, see, I I don't wanna make content like that. Oh, then shut the up. How about that? Cool. Glad we're on the same page.

I have a question for you. Sure. Do you ever have a desire to obviously, like, I hope not in some ways because I'm a fan. But do you ever have a desire to just, like, shut the phone off, delete the accounts, go off the grid, be done with it? Like, when you does it ever get you to a place where you're like, I'm actually good on all this?

Sometimes. Yeah. I think I'd be lying if I said no.

Yeah.

I think my goal ultimately is to, like, move into really serious forms of media. The show the show is one of them. My book is another one. I wanna get into, like, TV and movies. I wanna try stand up. Even though that scares me, I really wanna try stand up. I'm, like, not afraid to go into a movie, but I am afraid to do stand up.

Before it's a uniquely terrifying one.

Yeah. It is. But I I just have such admiration for stand up comedians. I just I love stand up comedy. I always have. So that's why I'm like, I don't wanna find out the hard way that I'm not good at that. I'd rather live in ignorance for my whole life than find out I'm

not good. I might be good at that. Yeah. I could. I could. Maybe. And I'm not gonna find out I'm not.

No. I will not.

I will not. That's so relatable.

Yeah. And, I think in those ways, like, I I think that's why I've tried to prep my audience too, like, as I get more and more busy or move into other projects, like, you guys don't always need me to do this. Like, I feel like I've given you enough tools at this point, and you guys are more than capable of doing it without me. You guys did it before. I'm sure you'll do it after. So that's kind of the only time I think to myself, like, that would be really nice if I didn't have to make fun of terrible men all the time. Yeah. It's and it's mostly too when I see even, like, there was, like, a period last year, like, every 2 to 4 weeks, new white guy comes on tiktok.com, downloads it, finds me, goes like, I think I have a really unique take on this bitch.

And they're like, she's fat, she's ugly, and she's so mean, which, believe it or not, I can't even tell you how many videos white men have made about me like that, saying that exact thing. And, when it was, like, a point in time where I was constantly having it. Like, I had a new guy every other day, like, making a 1,000 videos about me, tagging me, getting hundreds of thousands of comments a day telling me what a horrible person I was, like, talking about my looks, blah blah blah. In those times, I was like, damn, this, like, is exhausting, having to, like, fight a 1000000 little men all at once. Like, it's exhausting having to do it. And having to, like, defend your character all the time from people who don't know you and also are, like, misogynistic is just insane. I'm like, why am I arguing with a bigot? I'm not going to.

Like It's bad faith too. Yeah. That's the other thing is it's not just arguing. It's arguing with people who are dead set Like, committed. Committed on misunderstanding you. Yeah. And the the other thing about it, the crazy thing is they will beg for wrath. They will, like, beg for your contempt.

They'll beg for you to be angry with them and mad at them. They'll say the worst shit in the world to you. And then when you give it to them, they're shocked. And so it's a unique form of gaslighting where it's like you there's no world. I don't care how stupid you are and

you are.

There's no world where you thought saying this to me would elicit any other response, especially you at this point. It's a brand. Yeah.

Literally. There's no

way you thought anything other than when you posted the video of a fat woman working out and were, like, shirtless and being, like, I wouldn't smash. There's no world where you didn't think Drew might find this in

fucking well. Seriously.

So why are you mad?

Some men would tag me in their videos. Like, literally, they'd tag me and be, like, I don't care if you see this, and they'd tag me. And then I make a video about it, and then they're like, she's such a big account. Why would she talk about me?

She's dog piling me. She's dog piling me. I love the dog piling accusations.

Why would she post me on her public account like that? Well, I don't know. You tagged me. I thought you wanted me to see it. I thought we were having fun.

I thought we were besties. It literally is like I hate that shit. When someone's like when when on when on social media, I'll go I'll go after someone who was really mean to me or someone I like.

Oh my god. On Twitter. And they'll be all the time on Twitter.

Oh my god. And they'll be like, you're dog piling this small account. And I'm like, yeah. They they they brought a gun to the party, not

me. Yeah.

Yeah. They're getting dog piled, and I hope it's a bad day for them. Are you kidding?

Like, it's funny because, no, I don't care. Are you asking me if I care? I don't.

I do not.

Oh, I don't.

The only thing I care about is when I when I when someone's horrible and they have a small account and I, quote tweet them into hell or whatever, the only thing I care about is I go, I give them some clout for the day. Yeah. That bothers me. Yeah. Whether or not they had a bad feeling about it is, like, obviously not. They're mean.

Yeah. Dude, I I had a guy on on Twitter. So I tweeted about going to the Pro Bowl. Well, I posted, like, some TikToks about it, and, of course, every streamer that jerks off during NFL season, like, nonstop Mhmm. Was like, what are you doing there? Blah blah blah blah blah. Whatever. Right? Real unoriginal stuff. But one guy tweeted me and was like, I guess they needed more people on the o line, which I've, like, explained that joke to my audience.

I, like,

was, like Duh. I'm a football fan, and I gotta say the girls and gays are not picking up on No. No. No. Yeah.

I actually got a I I made a video about it once because, I posted, like, a gym video, like, me just, like, looking cute. And a lot of dudes were like, will you look because I said, tell your man to put me in a, defense or at tight end for your fantasy football lineup this week. Hilarious joke if you like sports during football season.

If you're a sports fan?

Yeah. Sports, anyone? And so, all of them were, like, more like O line. And I explained in a video. I'm like, this is a fat joke because offensive linemen are typically the biggest boys on the team, and they're being like, you're like a big fatty is what they're calling me. And I was like, but the hilarious part about that is that your O line men don't score points in fantasy. Right. So it doesn't make sense.

Right. You're an idiot.

Why do I know your culture more than you do?

Right.

Like so when I was tweeting about the Pro Bowl, same shit. Right? Same song, different day. And this one guy was, like, get up get back on that O line. And I go and look and, like, the way he's built, like, he's built like an O line man.

Great. So then I Bitch, you look like a center. So I

retweeted it and I said, with you or and so then it that one went viral. And then he was like, you. Like he just has like a tantrum. He goes, I was an all, like, all American offensive lineman. And I was like, I knew it. So clock. I knew it. So clock.

Yeah. So so the joke landed then.

So that and also the other part of that is if you remove the fat phobia from it Yeah. What is the joke? Tackles are the most important players in the NFL because they protect your quarterback dollars.

Also an offensive lineman, like, in the NFL, like, biggest, strongest, like Just muscle. Fastest dudes, like that's why I'm like, you guys your joke doesn't even make sense. Yeah. Like, someone told me, like, more like a defensive lineman. And I'm all, defensive linemen are, like, 65 280, like, 2% body fat.

Chris Jones runs, like, a 4840.

And that's why I was, like, you're telling me I'm so handsome and so in shape.

You're telling me I'm a franchise player. It's so embarrassing because this is the thing you claim to love, and I'm better at it than you. And I am about to in passing.

I posted, like, a promo on TikTok once, like, talking about that. I'm, like, whenever they say that, it's, like, a compliment. Like, you're telling me I look more athletic than you. And also, like, as someone someone people make up a big majority of the NFL, and so I was, like, I could literally walk on to USC right now in this outfit and get picked. Like, I would make the starting starting lineup. And then USC Athletics comments on my thing, and they're, like, yeah, we'll definitely put you in. And I was like, certified bitch.

Wrapped up.

Certified. That's what I thought. I'm leading y'all out the tunnel next game.

This is the other thing too is these people, they they love jokes. They say they all they always claim to be comedy fans. It's a joke. I love jokes. Especially,

dark humor.

Oh my god. They love dark humor.

Dark humor.

But it's a bad joke. Even not even fat phobia withstanding. It's, like, to just say d line and not say, nadaama can sue. Like, write a specific joke, bitch.

Yeah. Like,

as a joke writer, I'm offended.

That's what I said. I'm, like, I'm like, in order for a joke to be funny, it has to make sense. Right. Like, literally, like, it has to it has to make sense. It has to be topical. Like, it like, paint me a picture. Speak to an audience. There.

Have some syntax. Yeah. You know?

Just a just a pinch.

You know, backload your joke. Put the funniest part at the end. Use more consonants in certain places than others. Like, write a joke, bitch. You're like, oh, on the o line? O line? That's you you didn't even say offensive line.

That's what I said.

It's And

you didn't even name a position on the offensive line. Yeah. I mean, it really is embarrassing. It's position on the offensive line. Yeah. I mean,

it really is embarrassing. Thick. It's specificity. It's specificity. Like, I I told

I I when I was,

on a different podcast, I had told this,

like, the one and only thing someone's ever said to me that was meant to be mean, and it was pretty mean. Like, it does like, she really got me. Although I think it was a man. He, like, he just told me I looked like the pot of greed Yu Gi Oh card, which, like, the picture he was using, he got me.

Listen. You got me.

At the

end of the day Listen.

At the end of the day,

he got me.

Like, I'm gonna take that. Yeah. I'm gonna hold on to this. I'm gonna take it home.

This is for me. This is

for me too. This is mine. Yeah. And I'll hold that forever. I never forgot that, but he just, like, it was, like, on a Twitter thread about me, and all he wrote was pot of greed. Nothing else. Yeah. He wasn't, like, this fatty blah blah blah.

Literally just that. That tweet had so many likes. Rude. But then I thought to myself, I was like, it's almost meaner that he said it, like, drive by.

Yeah. Like,

he's like I'm not

taking the time, but I'm not agreeing.

Hey, you're so ugly, by the way. Anyways, back to my normal ex I don't know what her name is, but she looks like this really ugly teapot.

Yeah.

That's mean. You got me.

You got me. I always remember the good ones. Me too. I always remember the because like I said, I'm a joke writer. Yeah. And I and I will respect the craft until the day I die. Yes.

That's why I was like, honestly, you kinda ate me up with that one.

Hey. You got me. When someone told me on Twitter that I looked like LGBTQ Russell from Up, yeah, that ate me up. The little boy from the Up cartoon, yeah, you ate me up with that one because I I do look like gay him. And and, hey, I'll take it. And who's to say

he wasn't gay in that movie?

And who's to say?

Who's to say?

The uniform is giving a little something, isn't it? It's it's gotta be a little sweet.

Who's to say?

Maybe bi on the weekends?

Maybe that's you. That's like that's maybe you're him grown up. Maybe. Maybe.

Yeah. I'm by on the weekends. Well, when he shows up. We can't talk about he's a kid in the movie, but when he grows up, maybe he's by on the weekends.

In case you didn't get that. In case

Yeah. Keep keep keep up. Yes. Did you

ever get any other good ones? I've I I try to think sometimes

Oh my god.

Of when they, like, really did get me.

It's so rare. It's so rare that I get a good one. And I I I do a joke in, there's an old joke I have that I do in stand up where I talk about the the the nature of insults that I get. Mhmm. And I go, call me fat. It's so boring. I've known that for a while. The most embarrassing thing about me that you guys need to do your research.

Yeah. When I jump into a body of water, I still have to hold my nose like this. If you bring that up in an argument, it's curtains for me. You know what

I mean? I'm out. A guy

a guy told me a couple, like, months ago on the Internet, he replied to me, and he had, like, 17 followers on Twitter, and he decided he wanted to go toe to toe with me. And he said, he said, I don't know about the rest of you guys trying to, like, rally other people in the comments.

Mhmm.

Never gonna happen. He goes, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but this guy looks to me like he broke into a bakery and ate all the pies. Oh, shit. And I want it's so soft. I mean, I'm like, you're not you're you're so far out of your league. I wanted to reply and be like, I'll kill you with a gun. You're soft. Ate all the pies like a like an 18th century limerick.

I will kill you to death with Like, you're not I'll literally murder you. It's not fair. It's not fair.

Did you just tweet his address on there?

I'm serious. You're you're it's child's play for you. You're in the sandbox, bitch.

I'm at

the gun store. I mean, it's like Girl. What? Someone once wrote,

an insult to me. Like, they were so mad at me, and they wrote an insult. And then they at the end, they wrote checkmate.

Mic drop.

They just put a GIF of you dropping a mic. Boom. Yeah. It's like a GIF of Emma Stone from, like, 2014. Like, on The Tonight Show. Yeah. Going like that.

Yeah. I went there. Well, go somewhere else.

Bet you didn't see that coming. Yeah. That's why he literally wrote checkmate.

Not a gift.

And I said, I don't I honestly don't know what to write back to this.

I'm not playing chess. I'm playing murder. I'm a kill you. That's why

I said I tweet his address at him. Yeah. Yes. You swat him?

Please. Don't don't make me swat you.

Oh, shit.

Don't make me tweet the don't make me tweet the address so the quiz knows you work out.

Because I will. Because

I will.

Because I will. I've been to that Dick sporting goods.

So I

know you're in there.

I hope they have it in my size because I don't wanna make your day worse, Kim.

I love when they, like that's so funny. It looks like this guy broke in and ate all.

Looks like this guy broke in and ate all the pies. I'm gonna have sex with your father. I've broken and ate all the pies.

Your father's gonna be eating a pie. Yeah. That's for damn sure. Yeah. I'll make sure of it.

Why don't you break your mouth into my asshole and lick my butthole, you fucking loser. Broke into a bakery and ate all the pies. I'm sick. That's so hard. And he thought he was William Shakespeare's favorite. He's like, anyone else? Any oh, I don't know about the rest of you guys trying to rally my fans. He's too young. He also anyone else.

Everyone in the replies to my shit is my fans.

That's why. You're I do that all I can't even tell. I'm like, hey, you're in the wrong neighborhood, bitch.

You're in the wrong neighborhood.

You're gonna get jumped.

Roll the windows up and lock the doors. Because there are 100 of thousands of mentally ill baristas that are ready to mobilize whenever I say the word.

Okay? Alfred's finest.

There are girls that were if they're not at the Boy Genius concert, they're at my mansion. And they will fight you, bitch. If they're

not seeing Lucy Dacus, they're in Caleb's comments section.

And and the Doc Martens are laced up.

The Mary Janes.

And they're ready to fight for me. And they will. I've got she theys that are shooters. So you need to be careful because the guys from AutoZone are not doing the same for you.

No. They surely

are not. So

They don't they don't do it like that at the Best Buy.

Believe it.

The Genius Bar inside Best Buy.

By the way. Yeah. And so you're in danger.

I love I love when they write stuff like that. Oh, it, like, tickles me, pink.

I don't know about the rest of you guys. I do know about the rest of them, and they love me. And you you can try to rally them. They pay my mortgage.

What if I showed up to your house

with a gun? What if

Right now.

What if I have a katana? And I show up and I show up to the unemployment office when you're there

for your trip?

What if I come down to the y

Oh, ring

your when you're

when you're basketball.

You're sitting on the sidelines of the pickup game because you didn't get picked because your jump shot's trash. And what if I come down the What

if I came to the Planet Fitness right now?

Then what?

Then what? Then what? What are you doing? What if

I come down to the Planet Fitness while you're doing the stairs on high intensity?

You're getting that InBody for free at Crunch Fitness.

What are we gonna do then?

Holy fuck, dude. Oh my god. Those are my favorites.

What if I come find you? You can't come find me because the Toyota Camry's in the shop, isn't it?

Isn't it? When you soup up the Hyundai, come and find me.

It's not gonna go well for you.

The Scion. I I literally I tweeted this one guy. He had, like, a a tweet go, like, viral, but for, like, awful reasons. But he was like, I'm I'm never gonna go against my genetic biology. Like, it was like a whole it's it's a hunting picture

Yeah.

Of a dead zebra.

A dead zebra?

Yeah. Oh. He felt real threatened by herbivore. Go figure. But he's like, I'm resorting to my like, there it's like that transphobic, like, toxic masculinity. It's very, like, I'm not gonna be anything but a man. Yeah. And he's, like, standing in front of a dead animal.

Yeah.

And it's like a little video, and he has, like, a church outfit on. Like, he has, like, a white linen shirt

Yeah.

Tan, like, chinos

Yeah.

And, like, bow shoes.

You look like you're at the Sands Resort, bitch.

Yes. Like, you look like you just came from, like, your nearest worship. Like, he's leading worship. You know what I mean?

But he's, like, one

of those, like, 20 year old pastors that dates, like, underage girls.

For sure.

That's what he the vibes he was giving. And he was like I was like, does your genetic biology teach you how to iron a fucking shirt? Like, the shirt was so wrinkled. And then I was like, what? And I said record yourself running a 40 yard dash, and I'll tell you if you would survive in the wild.

Expeditiously. Yeah. Give it a set the camera up.

Yeah. Set it up and run as fast as you can. As hard as you can. Whenever I say that, men get so mad at me. They're like, why don't you run your fatty? I'm like, I wasn't bragging about being able to survive in the wild.

I don't

have to prove that Yeah. Scientifically. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't survive.

I'd die quick.

Quickly and by my own hand.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you would survive in the apocalypse situation?

Hell, no.

I think I would.

You think so?

Not because I'm fast and strong. That's the other thing is they they only think about it as, like, I'm gonna outrun. I'm gonna outfight.

Yeah. They always

say gonna organize. I'm gonna get, like I said, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get the she days. I'm gonna get the bisexual white women, and I'm gonna we're gonna take over a clean water source, and I'm gonna run that shit like the army. Like the marines. You better believe it. And I won't ever have to do they'll never be bought on my hands.

I feel that.

I'll be sitting on the throne Sitting

on the throne. As king.

While my girls handle the business. People come over and say, we want some clean water, and I go talk to Stacy.

I think, for me, when I talked about the apocalypse, I'm really, like, I'm not surviving because I'm most likely killing myself. Yeah. I'm I'm going out, like, have you watched This Is is it This Is Us? Last of Us.

Last of Us.

The Last of Us.

Last of Us.

Have you watched The Last of Us?

I have not.

Okay. Well, there's I won't without spoiling, they do have a character that kinda, like he's, what do you call the ones where, like, they have the snake that Ben Franklin drew? They're like libertarians.

Oh, the it's not Proud Boys, is it?

They're not Proud Boys. They're not, like, conservative. They're like the ones that, like, anti government, anti party, anti everything. Yeah. They're very, like, doomsday prepper. Like, the whole government's corrupt. Everybody's watching you, like, one of those.

Yeah.

He's one of those guys, so he preps for the end of the world. So he his neighborhood, he, like, makes it into a little compound. And I won't tell you what happens at the end, but that's what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm staying put.

Right there.

I'm building my little city.

Uh-huh.

And when the time comes, I'm off of myself

Yeah.

Boom. The way I wanna go out.

Done. On my own terms.

Yeah. On my own terms.

And that's a she e o mentality. Yeah. I'll decide when I go, knock on.

She ro. That's a she ro.

It's funny that those biological those guys that are, like, my my male biology, what god wanted a man to be. It's like Literally. You think so little of god. Oh, shit. He he created you and gave you no desire to, like, ask a woman a question Jesus. Or read a book. Yes. He only created you to, like, hunt and run.

You're sick. Yeah.

And good luck surviving now in that, like, with with just those bare bones skills.

Like Right.

You need something else. This is the the this is what's going

this is what I'm saying about Shortman right now too. The leg lengthening surgeries, the Shortman acting like they're victims of genocide. Brother, you're 56. You don't need longer legs. You just need to, like, have a favorite album or something. Yeah.

A hobby.

Get a hobby or interest. Ask a woman a question and then listen to the answer. Yeah. You know, you'll be fine.

I've said that so many times. You know what's funny too? It's like, my boyfriend once, like, some random guy, like, tried striking conversation with him because, unfortunately for him, he looks very approachable to men Yeah. Who are awful.

Yeah. I see that brand.

We get so, like, masculine looking or whatever. They they look at him. I don't know how they'd be checking him out. But he was talking to him, and he he got on the subject of, like, he was in the mindset of, like, wanting to convert to, like, I think, Muslim faith. Mhmm. And he was like, oh, that's that's cool. Right? And he's like, yeah. You know, because I heard that they can have a bunch of wives.

Always. That's where you lose me. So he wants, like, a harem. Like, that's, like, his idea. He's like, I'm gonna have multiple wives, you know, so I could spread my seed. This is, like, from him, verbatim. So I can spread my seed like god wants me to, right, to, like, create more life and, like, these evolved like, the way he was talking about it, it sounded like he was on drugs. But it was, like, 2 in the afternoon on, like, a Wednesday.

So I I don't think they they were in the gym. Yeah. And my boyfriend was like, what? Like and he was like, just out of curiosity, do you know anything else about that faith, or is that did you kinda check out after you read that part?

Also, you do know that?

He said, well, I'm still learning. I'm still learn I'm still learning

about it.

But I do know that I get to fuck a a lot of people, so I'm in it for that.

It's telling it's telling that that's where you started learning. We can't.

And that's where you stopped learning.

And that's where you stopped. Yeah. And also, do you know that you don't have to abuse Islam to have that lifestyle? You can abuse Christianity to have that lifestyle.

That's what my my boyfriend

You can use any religion.

That's why you don't need to be religious at all. You could just be a whore.

Yeah. You could just be also a misogynist. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's available to you.

Like a misogynistic man. I had many of them do that. But when we were talking about it, my boyfriend told me I was, like, in disbelief because I know what this guy looks like. Yeah. And he's like, I'm like, okay. Let's just say let's just say that the government goes to shit. Whatever happens, happens. And then they're like, we need to recreate man.

We need to pick the best specimen to create life, like, the strongest version of human. They're not picking someone who's 53. Like and he's balding already, and he's 23. That's not a joke. Like, he doesn't shave it enough. So I see it. Like, 5 o'clock shadow on the head, babe. Like but cul de sac? Yeah.

Like, half court. And so I'm like, why would they pick you? Like, you have an underbite. They're not picking you.

You're not the specimen.

Babe, those genetics, they're failing. They're not picking you. Like, in no form of of, like, eugenics are they gonna pick you.

You're not the

one. You're not.

I can't understand it.

When you walk your toes point out

It's not enough.

They don't wanna pass that down.

Not the

they don't.

The, like, movement to have sympathy for incels, I'll never understand. Same. I'm not gonna I'm, like, I don't feel bad for you. If you're a if you're a man in 2023 who can't get pussy, I'm never gonna be there with you because I know that if I was a straight man, I'd be doing okay. You know, like, because I am curious and ask questions and,

like Overall, a nice person.

Yeah. I'm like, I don't I don't understand how you're not getting laid at all. Because also, the the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing women are so often with the ugliest motherfucker dude who just, like, brings the groceries in. Like, I'm like, brother, you there is so little you have to do to bag a true supermodel.

No. Actually, though.

And you won't even do it.

Yeah. You can't even do that.

Just not even that.

That's why I said, I'm like, if they're not picking you, you have you have astigmatism. Like, that's you're out.

You gotta work on it. You gotta work on it.

They think they think of themselves of, like, the early stages of Captain America. Like, you know, when he's like they photoshopped Chris Evans' head on, like, a really tiny man.

Yeah.

They're like, that's me. Like and then they're gonna pick me, and they're gonna juice me, and I'm still gonna be me inside. And I'm like, you're not

It's the you inside that's the problem. No.

That's not It's

the inside that's the problem.

You're you're the one who tries out and gets vertigo and passes out, and they cut you loose early. That's you. You wouldn't even make it. Yeah.

That's it's like there are so many there are so many great like, when I say, like, you're 5 3 or you're balding or I say you work at the gas station or whatever, there's nothing wrong with any of those things if you're a nice person. Exactly. Or because you're mean, I gotta talk about it.

It's for game at that point.

Right. I love a lot of people who work at gas stations because they're cool. And you're not one of them, bitch. And you're not one of them. Being working class is awesome. But not the way you're doing it.

Until you're awful. Yeah. And then it's not.

Because I'm always telling the truth or joking until I lie.

Until I lie. And that's and that's the theme. Because when I lie, I'm lying.

I'm lying. When I lie, I'm lying. And it's but, ultimately, I do like to think when I lie, it's to service a greater truth.

Which is also a lie.

Which is a lie.

Okay. I think that's gonna do it for episode, Did you have fun? Yeah, dude.

I was just I came in there. I had

a blast. That's the hardest I've laughed since I've been filming this.

I totally annoyed the people who work here too. They're like, you can hang out in your green room. I was like, I think I'll just sit and chat with y'all.

They're like, well,

we actually have work to do.

Thank you so much for coming on the show. I love

you, man.

It's mutual. I adore you. You're the funniest person alive. Where can everybody find you?

Well, I'm online sparingly at Caleb Says Things on, Instagram, Twitter, and technically TikTok. But follow the Instagram. Yes. And, well, if this is out by July August, I'm gonna be in a bunch of cities touring. So come see me live.

Yes. I'm better live. Please go see Caleb live. I see your clips online, but I have to see you in person.

Come on.

I absolutely have to come see you in person. Anytime, babe. I'm so excited. Please go support Caleb. Please go follow him. And please go see him on his stand up comedy tour. It's gonna be amazing. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Thanks, dude. I adore you. Thank you everyone for watching. And remember, you can stream new episodes of the comment section every Wednesday exclusively on Spotify. I'll see you next week.

Bye.