So today we're going to be talking about what happens when you reject a narcissist because you have finally figured out who they really are. So a narcissist is someone who is self absorbed, who feels entitled to exploit the emotions of other people. A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy. So they have they don't have a natural emotional reaction to other people's pain, to other people's concerns. So they lack compassion for others because they generally feel superior to others. They have a grandiose sense of self. To a narcissist, they really are more important, more deserving, more intelligent, and more worthy of praise and validation and recognition than anyone else. They may not be overt about this, but in time, if you spend enough time with a narcissist, you will notice patterns of put downs when speaking about other people.

You will notice envy. You will notice a a severe sense of competition. You will notice that they are passive aggressive. You will notice that they absolutely want you to see them as the expert, as the know all, as the know it all of everything there is to know about just about anything. And if a narcissist ever feels slighted by you, then you become a threat. If a narcissist has labeled you as a source of narcissistic supply and has lured you in through love bombing and has hooked you in really good and perhaps has trauma bonded you, which essentially means that through the course of your relationship, through the course of the ups and downs of the relationship, the narcissist has convinced you that everything and anything goes wrong in the relationship, anything that goes wrong in the relationship is absolutely your fault. They will twist, they will blame shift, they cannot take accountability or responsibility. And one of the things that I think is really, that makes this so difficult is this idea that narcissists are so convinced that they are right.

You know, when you're talking to someone and they're convinced that they saw someone that you know at the movie theater, but you heard that this person was on vacation in the Bahamas somewhere. But you're talking to someone who is absolutely convinced that they saw Mary at the movie theater. And you know that Mary told you that she was in the Bahamas. And so you're rightfully confused because the person that is convinced that they're right is so convinced that they're right. So it makes someone who is normal and healthy question themselves, like, maybe I got it wrong. You're like, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Mary lied to me. Maybe Mary really wasn't in the Bahamas.

And so they're very convinced that they're right. They're also convinced that they have a right to treat you the way they want to treat you, so they lack a sense of introspection. There's no desire on behalf of the narcissist to know thyself, to know thy true self. Narcissists live through the false self, and they want to believe in this projected false self, the false self that protects them from vulnerabilities, the false self that causes arguments with you, pretends that there is a triangle going on that really isn't going on. Have you ever dated a narcissist, whether it's a male or a female, and they've tried to insinuate that someone else wants them? And now you're angry at your friend because the narcissist is telling you that your friend is is hitting on them and that's never happened, and now you're angry at your friend and your friend is, like, completely bewildered, like, what's up? I don't even know what's going on here. It happens. When I was young, one of my first boyfriends hit on one of my best friends. And you know what I did? I didn't believe her.

That taught me a very big lesson because she wasn't the only one my first boyfriend hit on. Taught me a very, very big lesson. So when you're dealing with a narcissist, it's also important to recognize that narcissism is not a diagnosis. Narcissism is basically a personality trait. And if you're a human being, you have a bunch of personality traits. Not all of them are going to be pleasant. There is no one out there that has the perfect personality. It's just not possible.

We all have an ego. We all have natural ego defense mechanisms. We can all be unkind. We can all lack empathy at certain points in time. We can all be short. We can all be self absorbed, and we can be abusive. It's just a fact. We're human beings.

What we're trying to figure out is not only who are who other people are, like, who are these people that we're dating, Who are these people that we call family, that we call friends, that we invite to our homes, that we invite into our beds, that invite into our kitchens? Who are these people? But we also wanna recognize traits in ourselves that need scrutiny. Because what we need to be doing is evolving and growing and becoming the best versions of ourselves. So we recognize that we are ongoing in our recovery process and that becoming the best version of ourselves, gaining wisdom over time, becoming less reactive, less ego bound, less ego defensive, less reactive. As we age, hopefully that is what's happening. Sometimes that doesn't happen. It's not unlikely for someone who is married to someone who is chastising them, who is cruel, who is vile, who is passive aggressive, who is condescending and minimizing, aloof, and couldn't care less about the person he or she is living with, not really, it's not unheard of for the victim of narcissistic abuse to eventually bite back as a way to survive. Not unlike a puppy that you bring home that unfortunately ends up being abused by other dogs, and one day that puppy begins to bite back. Is that a bad dog? Absolutely not.

It is a dog that has been forced to defend itself. What we're looking to do as human beings is to recognize traits in ourselves so that we can overcome them. And if you are a healthy person, you are willing to be introspective. You are willing to say, what about my personality needs to shift, needs to change, and what's preventing that change? If you are dealing with a narcissist, you will not hear that language. You will not or if you do, it will be only to love bomb you and to gain empathy and to gain sympathy and to avoid responsibility. The key is objectivity. The key is perspective. And in order for you to have perspective, you need space.

So that means you must be able to detach, you must be able to observe, and you must be able to begin recognizing patterns of behavior in other people and in yourself. And if you can do this, you can heal from this type of narcissistic abuse. Absolutely. What you will notice in someone who is more narcissistic is a sense of entitlement. You owe them. In some cases, they actually behave as if you are property and that you don't have a right to free thinking. They can become highly abusive, even physically abusive, if you're dealing with a malignant narcissist. Someone who, when you dare to confront them or challenge them, will resort to physical violence to maintain dominance and control over you.

This is never a good sign, dear 1, when someone resorts to being physical because you set a boundary. Okay? Very important. And lots of us who are in the throes of a narcissistic relationship, a codependent narcissistic relationship, If you are the codependent in the relationship, you don't know which way is up. You are just trying to get from point a to point b. You're just trying to survive the moment. Your nose is barely above the waterline. And if you come from a dysfunctional family, you don't have the tools you need to gain perspective, and it's important that you hear this. That is not your fault.

If it is difficult for you to disengage, if you tend to go down the toilet bowl flush and all when a narcissist gets angry, when they start throwing their weight around. You must know this is not your fault. Even if you were not codependent and you were love bombed by a narcissist, over time the way that they think, their their entitlement, the way they persecute their victims, the way they blame their victims, the way they accuse their victims of things that they are not guilty of and in fact what they are guilty of, the way they get you to doubt your reality can twist your mind. And so day to day, you're walking around on eggshells. You jump at the slightest noise. It is everything that you can do to just get through a day. Add a mortgage, a couple of kids, maybe you're trying to go back to school, throw COVID in there. I mean, you've got a recipe for chaos.

It's important that you know this is not your fault. And so I wanted to create a session around what happens when you decide enough is enough, and you decide to reject a narcissist, and to such essentially help you understand what might happen when you have finally figured out who and what the narcissist is. There are things that you have to mentally and emotionally, financially, physically, and cognitively, spiritually, vibrationally prepare yourself for. It's no different than why we study our enemies before we go to war. We wanna know what to expect. If you go into this type of an experience not knowing what to expect, it's so much easier for you to get knocked off balance. I'm speaking from experience. I did not know these things when I was going through my divorce.

I had no idea what to expect next. I kept thinking that if I was kind, if I was considerate, if I was fair, then he would be fair in return. That is not the case. That is a complete kindergarten fantasy. I was raised to believe that you should treat people the way you wanna be treated. I still believe that, but I always sort of naively presumed that it was a no brainer. That if I treated someone with respect and if I treated someone with dignity, if I treated someone fairly, then that person would do the same in return. When you were dealing with a healthy person, that is the case.

But when you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, someone who cannot emotionally regulate themselves and in fact relies on you as a source of narcissistic supply to regulate their emotions, this is not the case. When you reject the narcissist, you are basically saying to Dracula, the blood bank is closed, Dracula. Bye, Dracula. Bye bye. Bye bye. No more blood for you. So a narcissist is like Dracula. Dracula needs to be invited into your home.

Dracula needs your blood. To Dracula, you are just a source of supply, blood supply. And say no to Dracula and Dracula is angry. Say no to a narcissist, meaning you pull the plug at being their source of narcissistic supply and they are not happy. And there are things that you should be aware of in case you decide to end a relationship with someone who you think may be narcissistic. So we understand that narcissists rely on you for a source of narcissistic supply. We also need to understand some fundamental things. Narcissists fear vulnerability, and that's why they have to appear better than you.

That's why they have to develop a false self. The false self protects them from feelings of vulnerability. It prevents real intimacy from happening. Even though the narcissist needs you very much. And in my humble opinion, a narcissist is highly codependent because a narcissist cannot survive with out sources of narcissistic supply. They need to have people mirror back to them a sense that they are awesome. And unfortunately they they don't only want praise. Sometimes the narcissist will settle for in lots of cases, they'll settle for your fear.

They want to feel dominant over you. And so even if you're not praising them, that's okay as long as you're afraid to leave them, as long as you jump when they tell you to jump, as long as you walk around on eggshells, and as long as you tolerate their dominance and their control over you, the narcissist remains content and can be emotionally regulated. This is what they need to maintain emotional regulation. So imagine what happens inside this giant 2 year old when you pull the pacifier out of his or her mouth and you say, no. You're in the middle of a toy store. The narcissist thinks that every single toy on the shelf is for him or for her. Feels entitled, this store is for me. These toys are for me.

These are all my toys. The narcissist only sees the toys, only sees himself or herself, and believes that the toys are all for them. And then mommy comes along and says, no. Pulls the pacifier out of the 2 year old's mouth, and what happens? This 2 year old becomes enraged. This 2 year old throws a fit. If this 2 year old is talking, not very nice things come out of this 2 year old's mouth, which is not unlike what happens when you pull the plug on a narcissist. So rejecting a narcissist is making a narcissist's worst nightmare come true. Because in most cases, although recent research has suggested that not all narcissists are created equal, meaning that there are narcissists who have high self esteem.

They think they are really awesome. They really do believe that they've been put on this earth to make a lot of money, and they're entitled to make a lot of money. And if they have to step on the heads of other people to do it, so be it. It's the cost of capitalism. In other words, there's a lack of social responsibility. There's a lack of empathy for other people. It's just me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Some narcissists are created through overpraise by parents.

They're over indulged by their parents. Their parents are entitled people and they teach their children. They program and condition their children to feel entitled, to feel better than other people. And so again, there's this lack of empathy. There's this idea that it's totally fine to exploit other people, especially people that a narcissist deems is less than. And so recent research has suggested that that can be the case. Past research, however, has heavily relied on the idea or the concept that most narcissists suffer from narcissistic injuries. Most narcissists come from very painful abusive backgrounds as children, and many of them struggle with incredible shame and abandonment trauma.

And so when you reject a narcissist, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. But a narcissist won't see that they're part of the dynamic because they don't understand cause and effect. They're 2. What they think is they're in pain. You are the reason they are in pain. Therefore, it's all your fault they are in pain. Therefore, they have a right to be vindictive. They have a right to abuse you.

And sadly, this really is the way they view things, and this is what makes them so dangerous because they're able to rationalize and justify being vile, being vindictive, and being cruel. And so it's important that we understand that rejection is definitely going to trigger narcissistic injury and you will be seen as a threat. The narcissist has lived their life trying to avoid feeling vulnerable, and all of a sudden, now here it is. They're feeling vulnerable. Narcissists have done an amazing job at finding a way to be in relationships without actually relating. Their passive aggressiveness, their condescending comments, the way they project and gaslight their victims has all worked to avoid a narcissist from feeling too vulnerable. The narcissist has worked very diligently through love bombing to make sure that you attach to them, but they will never attach to you. But that doesn't mean that you're ever supposed to leave them, that you're ever supposed to figure them out, that you are ever supposed to discard them, that you are ever supposed to see such little value in them.

The narcissist does not believe that you have a right to treat them the way that they've treated you. So it's important to understand that when you reject a narcissist, you understand that the narcissist has lived his or her life avoiding being rejected by you. It always boggled my mind when my ex said things like, well, I thought if I crippled you, you'd come back. And said it with a straight face. And I would just shake my head like, what? In his head, he thought that it was totally viable and rational to cripple me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically. He thought it was rational and logical and that he had a right to cripple me so that I wouldn't leave him. I understand now that is because he feared being alone and he feared being rejected so deeply, but he lacked the maturity. He lacked the life skills, and he lacked the ability to look within and see it rationally and to feel vulnerable, and to accept the cause and effect nature of our relationship.

You know, flowers don't grow without sun and water and enough fertile fertilizer in the soil, nor do relationships. Relationships that are brutal, relationships that are unkind, relationships that are cruel don't grow. It doesn't mean they won't be that little Charlie Brown tree in the forest forever. It will breathe. The relationship might breathe, but it won't thrive. So it's important to realize that thriving is not important to someone who is highly narcissistic. Being in a relationship with someone who secures them, or they are able to secure a source of narcissistic through belittling you, devaluing you, a narcissist through belittling you, devaluing you, a narcissist has found ways to be in a relationship with you while he or she keeps you at arm's length. This is how they avoid intimacy.

This is how they avoid feeling vulnerable. You never really know what's going on below the surface of a narcissist, because they have all of these ego defense mechanisms that have been manufactured to keep you at an arm's length. When you decide enough is enough, what happens inside a narcissist or what it feels like, it feels like you have poured vinegar on their deepest wounds. They don't react very well. They act defensive through defensiveness. They want to hurt you because they have been hurt and they believe that you are the reason they are in pain. There is no real recognition of this idea that there's a narcissistic injury and that the rejection that which is essentially a self fulfilling prophecy, repetition compulsion, they reject themselves, they've been rejected as children, and now they act in such ways that in time their partners eventually reject them, or they should, they have no ability to understand the cause and effect nature of relationships. And so in their mind, you're standing in front of them.

You are not the person that caused this original wound. You are the person that you are the person that has wounded them. There's no recognition of a prior wound. In other words, it's sort of like being shot in the leg and having it heal over slightly, but not completely, and then ramming your leg into the coffee table, and you thinking that all of the pain that is there is because you rammed your leg into the coffee table, not so. There was an original wound there that never healed over, and you just ramming your leg into the coffee table, all that did was re insult the original wound. All it did was exasperate the pain that was already there. When it comes to the narcissist self image, it's important that we recognize that the self image, the false self of the narcissist, has sort of been truly like a mask, that the narcissist has believed would have kept him or her safe from rejection. So it's sort of like when you watch this show Catfish on MTV, I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about, The person behind the computer has devised a mask, a false self, and they lure victims in, unsuspecting victims, through love bombing, lots of validation, lots of praise, lots of silver tongue talk, and they actually activate the narcissism in the unsuspecting victim.

Now when I say activate the narcissism, I don't mean that they're narcissists. Narcissism is a normal personality trait. It's just how far up the spectrum are you. And if it becomes pathological, there's a problem. But all of us should have some level of healthy narcissism. When you're someone who doesn't have a healthy sense of self and suddenly someone's paying attention to you, your narcissism, your sense of self can become activated. It can become addictive to feel seen. And so, for instance, a catfish on or behind a computer that is luring an unsuspecting victim in is using a false profile, which becomes like the false self.

The person doing the catfishing is relying their sense of self, their self esteem is being is reliant upon this false self, this false profile. So whatever good feelings they have is are really the result of this false profile or this false self. Rip that away. If you've seen the show and if you haven't, I recommend you check it out, but rip this mask away. Rip the profile away. Rip the phony pictures away. And oftentimes, you see someone who is highly insecure, who's struggling with abandonment trauma and tremendous shame. So when you reject the narcissist, they are flabbergasted because the mask didn't work.

It was supposed to work. When you reject a narcissist, essentially, they panic. Everything that they've relied on, the love bombing, the trauma bonding, the triangulation, the projection, the dismissiveness, everything that they've relied on, their false self, their lies, comes crashing down. And so a narcissist will often panic. In their minds, you have now proven that their worst fears were correct. Remember, a narcissist is generally distrustful. They're waiting for the other shoe to drop. They don't trust anyone.

And so when you reject a narcissist, what they end up feeling is that they were right. You were unreliable. You weren't trustworthy. You were just like everyone else that would eventually fail them. And so this fuels their vindictiveness. This fuels the vile words that come out of their mouth. This fuels the cruel things that they say to you. This fuels how they feel like they have the right to dehumanize you.

They will treat you with such disrespect and not spend 3 minutes thinking about what they have just said in that text message, what names they have called you, and how they have totally stomped on everything that you've ever done for them, any experience that you've ever had with them that was ever pleasant. It is all gone. It is washed down the drain. It's as if it never happened. You have proven to be someone who can tell the narcissist no. You have been proven to be an authority figure. You have been proven to be someone that will not tolerate the narcissist's abuse, and for that you will be punished. In their head, you had no right to say no.

In their head, you were supposed to follow the rules, their rules. You were supposed to acquiesce. You were supposed to take responsibility. You were supposed to tolerate the abuse. You were supposed to understand they were in control over you. You were supposed to subjugate yourself. You were supposed to idolize them. You were supposed to be afraid of them.

You were supposed to assume whatever labels they threw your way. Whatever concept they had of you that they used to rationalize their superiority over you and your weakness, you were supposed to swallow it. You were not supposed to regurgitate it. You were not supposed to rebuke it. You were not supposed to reject it. You were supposed to accept it. You not accepting how how and what they feel and think about you is you rejecting them, their false self, their control over you. Essentially, it's you rejecting them.

Another issue that you're going to struggle with when you reject a narcissist and you have finally figured out who they are, you will maybe not realize it right away. But if you spend enough time analyzing the words that come out of their mouth, the insults that fly out of their mouth, their behavior, their vindictiveness, the stories that come out of their mouth, the way they rewrite history. If you listen to their perceptions objectively, not through the emotional mind, through your logical and rational mind, If you take what they say and run it through the fact checker, you will discover that they are often delusional. They have absolutely written a story or rewritten the story to make the pieces fit. You have hurt them. You are the reason that they are in pain. They don't understand cause and effect. They are not responsible for their actions.

They don't understand that the way that they behaved is the reason you said no more. They won't understand that you have a right as an individual to feel what you feel, to change direction, to act like an autonomous human being, and to say enough is enough. And so because of this, you will be punished. And like I said, if you spend enough time being objective, what you will recognize over time is that this person is delusional. So here are some of the specific things that you can expect if you reject a narcissist once you have finally figured out who they are. So they will seek to assassinate your character. This can be done publicly, privately, and professionally. So publicly, they may wanna humiliate you on Facebook.

They may wanna humiliate you at a family dinner. They may want to humiliate you in front of a group of friends. They might grab the microphone at a wedding and embarrass you. So that's not uncommon. Privately, between the 2 of you, you may receive the most vile, vindictive, nasty, degrading, demoralizing, dehumanizing text messages ever. You may get a bunch of emails that are absolutely disgusting, that makes your head want to explode. Like, you'll read this and think, what is going on? Like, how could she say this or how could he say this? And so don't be surprised if privately, through text messages, through phone calls, through emails and face to face meetings, which when it's just the 2 of you, that you are called all sorts of names. You will be yelled at, possibly raged at.

And so it's important to arm yourself and just know that this could possibly happen. Professionally, do not be surprised if there's a Google review about your business. That is negative. Do not be surprised if they gather up flying monkeys and they start saying negative things about you and your business. Do not be surprised if they send people into if you own a store, send people into the store to say nasty things about you or to start spreading rumors about your business. They will do just about anything to hurt you professionally. Now this is done in 2 different ways. This can be done overtly where it's obvious what's going on, or it can be done covertly where the person is smug and passive aggressive, socially rejects you, finds ways to humiliate you publicly by socially rejecting you, by making sure that you feel ashamed of yourself.

Right? So a rumor gets started about you that is not true. And so sometimes this ability to assassinate your character, sometimes it'll be completely overt, and then other times you'll notice that this person is being covert. They may send, like I said said earlier, they might send other people to do their dirty work. So it's important that you know it may not always be overt, it could be covert. They become childish, so expect them to throw tantrums. Adults are able to think things out rationally even when they're hurt. I mean, we all have terrible moments where we lash out, we all have moments where we're not proud of, but healthy adults recognize that that behavior is not healthy, and they recognize that it's unacceptable. They recognize that amends should be made, and there is a desire to change their behavior and to become better, a better version of themselves.

When you think about a 2 year old, a 2 year old has no concept of being better than they are in that moment. And so when you're dealing with a grown up who is a narcissist, it literally if you take a giant step back, it's like dealing with a giant child. And if you have children, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 year olds, and you've ever said no to them in the middle of a toy store, you have gotten a glimpse into how a narcissist can react. Throw a couple of £100 on this 2 year old and you've got a narcissist. And it's important to recognize that when you reject a narcissist you are basically saying, no, you don't get to abuse me anymore, and essentially I'm not going to be your source of blood anymore. I'm not going to be your source of narcissistic supply, and narcissists cannot regulate themselves without narcissistic supply. So you have thrown a monkey wrench into their entire world, and so you will find that they become extremely childish. So how does that show up? So it can it can end up in physical abuse.

It can take the form of yelling, raging. They can become intimidating and argumentative, obviously. They can want to destroy you financially. They can find ways to try to turn your children against you. And so think about how children react when they're hurt and when they're angry. They say all sorts of things. They ignore you. They will treat you as if you were the worst person in the world.

So you've been a great mom, you know, for 4 years, and you tell your 4 year old she can't have the little cupcake stand from Target and she is angry and she says things like, I hate you and you're the worst mommy in the world and I wanna go live with grandma. Right? Then she tells your husband that you're the worst mother in the world and you were so mean to her. This now just add 20 or 30 years to that type of a mindset and that's what will happen when you reject a narcissist. So another thing that they do is they can go into triangulation. So they will go into your world and they will do everything that they can to make it look like you were the one who was crazy. They want to gain sympathy and empathy from other people. They're really looking for sources of narcissistic supply because you have cut them off from their main branch. And so don't be surprised if they call in their flying monkeys, pretend that you're the crazy one, and act completely fine in public even though behind closed doors they're doing everything they can to punish you for rejecting them.

Triangulation is done sometimes even before you reject them, and this is so they're really hedging their bets. So in case you do reject them, because that is their worst fear that you reject them, that you abandon them, in case that happens, they've already set the stage for gaining the empathy, the sympathy, and the praise in the event the relationship falls apart. But don't be surprised if as soon as you begin to reject them, they start to understand that you figured them out. They start triangulating you with your kids, even with your mother, with your father, with your brother. I experienced this myself, and it I'm just getting goosebumps I'm just recalling how terrible it was to, like, have my own parents take my ex's side. And what a struggle it was to recognize what was going on. But just as a caveat, I played the role of a codependent so well. In other words, like, I didn't think that I had a right to feel the way I felt.

And so I was incredibly unhappy, but I didn't feel like my feelings were valid. I felt that being unhappy meant that I was failed. I failed somehow. I was somehow selfish. I was doing life wrong, and it took me many years to develop the ability to look within and to accept that I wasn't happy and that I had a right to feel this way and do something about it. So another thing that they will do is they will try to make you feel guilty. So they will want you to take responsibility for the relationship ending. So they'll say things like, oh, look what you've done.

This is all your fault. The family is going to break up because of you. Not because they're they're cruel, not because they're passive aggressive, not because they cheated and they lied and, you know, they're vindictive and all this. No. That's not why the relationship's coming to an end. In their head, the relationship is coming to an end because you just want a divorce, because you want to be single, because you're just sick of being married. These are the types of things that I heard. It twisted my brain for so long because in my head I was very clear as to why I was getting divorced.

But what came out of my ex's mouth was, you just wanna be single. And then I think, is that true? Do I just want to be single? You know? And it really threw me for a loop because I'm, like, made me doubt my reality. It made me doubt that we were as dysfunctional as we were. So don't be surprised if you hear things like, you're going against the church, God doesn't want us to get divorced, you're a sinner, you're selfish, you're a Jezebel, you're all of these terrible terrible things. This is just some choice. You know, this is just some flippant fickle choice that you're making. Right? Oh, you wanna marry me one day, now you don't wanna be married to me anymore and it's all your fault. It's like you just pulled this need to end this relationship and completely transform and change your life for no reason.

You just felt like it. Again, remember, a narcissist doesn't understand cause and effect. You have to be a very introspective person. You have to be mature to understand cause and effect, and in addition, be self aware enough to take responsibility for your part in the drama that is being played out. I'm very grateful that while I was going through my divorce, I understood my part in it. I recognized where I had gone wrong. I wanted to fix my marriage. He was not interested in it.

It got worse. We left a therapy session one day. He said, get a lawyer. And I thought, okay. And I called his bluff. He thought that telling me to get a lawyer was going to cripple me. Truth be told, I was crippled, but I I crawled on my hands and my knees until I figured it out. Because staying in that relationship to me was in many ways the end of my life.

Because the only way that I could survive that relationship is if I completely, completely acquiesced and pretended I didn't see and didn't feel what I felt. And then on top of that, it was recognizing consciously having that awakening that, oh my god, I was programming my children to be codependent also just like my parents had done for me, my brother, and my sister. And I could not live with that once I saw it. And so when he said get an attorney, he didn't expect me to do to do so, and I did. And, that was the beginning of the absolute end. But I heard all of the things that you can imagine were said, that I was crazy. I was just making this up. I was selfish.

I was. He actually accused me of being gay. He said I was a lesbian and that's why I wanted to get a divorce. I mean, you name it. I was called it. And so don't be surprised if they turn everything around and try to make you feel guilty and mess with your reality. So you question your right to make these decisions and move forward in your life. Another thing that they will do is they will love bomb you.

They will fawn and they will acquiesce and they will people please. And for a short time they may even seem like they're subjugating what they need for your needs. So it's not uncommon for a narcissist to come crawling back and suddenly everything that you've ever complained about, they know how to do. I had one client tell me that after I finally got the nerve to tell my husband that I wanted a divorce, he suddenly knew how to load the dishwasher. He suddenly remembered our anniversary. He suddenly took showers at the end of a day. He suddenly found a job. He suddenly stopped drinking.

He suddenly started walking the dog. He started to participate in the marriage. He suddenly stopped yelling at the children. He suddenly stopped raising his hands to the children. And so in her mind, it was too little too late. But she definitely went through the love bombing phase. She definitely went through the people pleasing phase of the with the narcissist after she decided to leave him. She went through the fawning stage with him.

He absolutely fawned after her. Love bombed her. It looked like he was subjugating his own needs. He stopped hanging out with the boys. He stopped going to drink with his friends on the weekends. He was suddenly emotionally available. At least that's what it looked like. On the surface, it was just a manipulative tactic to try to hoover her back in.

And so, you will notice that they buy you things. They might send you flowers. They have they suddenly find reasons to make you well they really they find ways to make you suddenly feel good about yourself, so they start complimenting you. They tell you what you need to hear, and they tell you what you've always wanted to hear. So don't be surprised if when you finally reject a narcissist that the narcissist's hearing returns, and suddenly the narcissist begins to pay attention to what you've said. In reality, this is if you're dealing with a narcissist, this is very short lived, and this will last maybe a few months at best. But in most cases, this is just to lure you back in, just to secure you as the primary source of narcissistic supply, and to get you back into a state of just intoxication. So you are unable to hold the narcissist accountable for how they're treating you in the relationship.

And lastly, although I'm sure there are many other, you know, there's it's possible that you've been through different things that I haven't listed here today, but another thing that will happen once the narcissist pretty much believes that it's over is they start showing off their new source of narcissistic supply and they pretend like they're not wounded. You know, even though they may have their flying monkeys spying on you, even though they may be stalking you online or physically, even though they may be writing negative reviews about your business, even though they may be smearing your name publicly, professionally, and privately, even though they may be talking about you behind your back to your child's teachers at school. I mean, you name it. Go into the priest, telling the priest a bunch of lies about you. I mean, you name it. There it's there's just not there's not much because narcissists lack empathy. There's not much, and they're vindictive. There's not much that they don't do if it's if it's something that comes to their mind.

There aren't many lines a narcissist won't cross once you've triggered them, once they have felt abandoned by you. And it's not uncommon for a narcissist who you haven't even really abandoned or rejected, they just feel like you have abandoned them or rejected them to act similar. And so one of the last things that you'll notice with the narcissist is that even though you've rejected them and even though you're distraught over the loss of the relationship, you're trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, You know, you're ugly crying on the phone and on FaceTime trying to, like, you know, divide up your dishes and figure out child visitation and figure out your finances and you're destroyed over the end of the relationship even though it's what you wanted, it's still a painful experience. It's not easy. The narcissist acts like they couldn't care less. How you feel is absolutely irrelevant. They pretend like they're not hurting, and that might be very, very confusing for you also. So they're on Facebook, they're on Twitter, they're on Instagram, they're on Snapchat, and they're having a grand old time.

Don't be surprised if the narcissist is living with someone very shortly after your breakup. Don't be surprised if a narcissist even gets married shortly after your breakup. It is not uncommon for a narcissist the last thing that they do is they act like you haven't hurt them at all. They act like you are completely insignificant and that can be really, really confusing. And so I hope that this session, if anything, has made you feel perhaps more validated. You're not crazy if you're going through this type of relationship. It takes time to wrap your head around what happened. It takes time to process this idea that you've been living with someone who had a false self, who believed in their false self, who felt superior to you, who has you in their life because you made them feel good about them.

Not because they saw any real value in you as a person, not because they saw you as an autonomous three d human being, not because they cared about you emotionally. No. It takes time for you to realize that this person had you in their life because they wanted to exploit you emotionally. They're not aware that it's they're exploiting you emotionally in in most cases, but they did. And even after the relationship ends and they are the ones sending the vindictive, disgusting text messages and doing all of these nasty things and yelling and raging and acting all childish and ridiculous in their head, you deserve it. And so there is no self awareness. There is no introspection. And if they were to be be able to be introspective, then they would discover that they're just as vulnerable and they're just like everybody else, which is the last thing a narcissist wants.

A narcissist needs to believe that they are special, they are unique, and that people just don't understand their greatness, and that the world owes them something. And in time, the world will recognize just how amazing they are. And until that time, it's your job to mirror back this sense of grandiosity and superiority to the narcissist. And when you pull the plug on that, they ain't happy. If you found yourself in a relationship with the narcissist and you feel like your mind is reeling, I encourage you to just take time. I encourage you to learn everything you can about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I encourage you to investigate what it means to be trauma bonded, invest investigate what what projection is, investigate what gaslighting is. So you can get a real real great understanding about what this is all about because that'll help you feel like your feet are rooted on the ground.

One of the great things that happens when people listen to a podcast like this or a YouTube video like this or they read a blog post is their life begins to make sense. They suddenly have a why. They understand why this happened. They understand how it happened. They understand what happened. They're not so confused anymore. It doesn't mean the pain is taken away, but the confusion absolutely lessens. And I'm a firm believer in the idea that if you can see it, you can heal it.

You cannot fix a hole in the wall you cannot see. If you continually get involved with a narcissist, if you're someone who has high empathy, if you're someone who subjugates their needs for the sake of others, if you are a people pleaser, if you tend to enable people, if you tend to be a fixer, if you are codependent. You have to know this about yourself because you have work to do and you have recovery to do, because if you don't you are a target and a magnet for people with narcissism. What separates a healthy person from a codependent person are many things, but one of the main things that we have to think about is that when we are codependent we stay in troubled relationships. We don't set the boundaries necessary. Healthy people set boundaries and they don't feel guilty about it. They might struggle with doing it but they know that they have a right to do so. That's not the case with the codependent.

Codependents struggle to set boundaries. They feel like they're doing something wrong if they're setting a boundary. They don't feel good enough. They don't feel like they have a right to set a boundary, and they feel guilty and responsible for things that are not their fault. So if their narcissistic partner is angry, it's their fault. And below the veil of consciousness, it's their fault because they are flawed, because they are not good enough. There is something wrong with them. If you were involved with a narcissist and you were codependent, the narcissist will narcissist will absolutely exploit everything you've ever shared with them, every vulnerability.

You tell a narcissist that you struggle with anxiety and when you have an argument, expect the narcissist to make fun of you because you said that you had anxiety. Expect the narcissist to mock you. Expect the narcissist to exploit you. So be careful out there. Before you start sharing your spiritual boo boos with anyone, make sure the person that you're dealing with is not vindictive, is not narcissistic, and actually holds everything that you shoo you share near and dear to their heart, whether you are with them or not. My name is Lisa Romano. I am the breakthrough life coach and creator of the 12 week breakthrough coaching program, which is an online codependency recovery program. You can actually take this program on demand for half off, or you can work with me and my team of life coaches during a live group class.

If you'd like to learn more about that, all you have to do is click on the links below in the description box. And if you would like to listen to one of my 7 books for free, you can do so by clicking the link in the description box. If you'd like to learn more about my online programs and how you could work with me or one of my team members, go to ww.lisaaramano dot com. Namaste, everybody. Until next time. And please, when you're out and about, don't forget to think. Bye for now. If you love this content, check out the next video, and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz.

Understanding that covert narcissism is about disguising inner vulnerabilities.