If you're so damn fed up of being manipulated, being pushed around, being stepped on, being disrespected and dismissed, this first one may seem so god damn obvious, but holy smokes. If you don't get ultra specific with this boundary, then you're utterly screwed. Do not cheat on me. You've got to listen to me. This one is so strong but I know you're gonna wanna dismiss it. So please, I beg of you, lean in. Guys, I actually got a comment where people are like, Lisa, why on earth do you have to tell your partner that a boundary is to not cheat on you? While it may seem obvious and there's 0 freaking judgment, 0 judgment, there are many people that will forgive their partner. There are many people that will actually take their partner back after they have been cheated on.

And so again, no freaking judgment on whatever is right for you but I know me and I know there is no way I can give myself over completely to my husband and then have him cheat on me and then be able to give over again. I just know myself. So this one guys is know thy freaking self. Know if you are the type of person that will be able to live with that or not because set your partner up for success. I literally wanted to set Tom up for success because while it may seem obvious, there might be a little part of him that thinks maybe she'll forgive me. I don't know if that's true or not but I wanted to make sure that wasn't a possibility, that He knew upfront. There were no words, no amount of sorry's, no amount of flowers, no amount of begging, no amount of therapy that would actually get me to forgive him if he cheated on me. So while I know you may want to dismiss this one, this is the biggest freaking one I'm telling you.

Now be honest with your partner about your non freaking negotiables because there are some, so make sure you know or you've told them what your non negotiables are. Alright. Now here's some beautiful nuance. I'm gonna go deep on this one guys because again, I think that if you can get this right, it will honestly set you up for amazing success in your relationship. If you get it wrong, good relationship may be in the dust. Alright. So we're gonna go deep. First of all, you must define words.

Now what do you mean by that Lisa? Alright, so for instance one thing that may be cheating to me may not be cheating to my husband. Now you are all going to want to try and dismiss what I'm saying. That's up to you but I like to live in a world where I just face the realities of what I've seen, what I've heard and maybe what I've seen in the movies but I'm just trying to mitigate the potential of me and my husband splitting up. So I go, okay let's just embrace that maybe there are different levels of quote unquote cheating that are different to you and different to me. So let's throw a couple out for instance. Is flirting cheating? Now, if you ask me, flirting is not cheating. My husband could flirt with women, it actually doesn't bother me. I can flirt with guys, it doesn't bother him.

Now when I say flirt, you have to almost also define what flirt means. Flirting to me means that you're like overly sweet. You may touch someone's skin. Maybe my husband turns around like, turns to a woman and I'm standing there and let's say it's my sister and he's like, oh my god. You look so beautiful. Like that dress, like is that flirting? Maybe but it doesn't bother me. So understanding where your line is in the flirting genre and where your partner's line is. So actually, perfect example.

We were at a bodybuilding convention. It was right at the height of Quest. So we had like massive booth, we had so many people coming up and there was one guy who was just ripped. His body, guys, was banger and he was I I know him as well. So he'd just been competing so if you've never been to a bodybuilding competition, they don't have shirts on and they are very tanned and oily. So you've got 8 pack abs staring at you in the face. You got the pecs staring at you and let's face it, I'm a woman and I really do get turned on by great bodies. So anyway, so this guy that I know, he comes over and he starts talking to me and again, I know him.

And so, I'm giggling and I'm touching his arm and I'm like, and from afar, across the other side, my husband actually videos it and and he's zooming in and he's like, this is my wife being very flirty. She loves to talk. She loves to interact with people just as well I'm not a jealous guy. And he's literally as he still went, my hands on the guy's arm. I don't even realize I'm doing it. So I need to be very clear about this. It wasn't that I went in and deliberately flirted with somebody and I'm just like, oh my gut husband's got to do, you know, my husband's got to deal with it. No.

It was like this automatic response where I was talking to a guy that I know, I start giggling, I touch his arm and it was so automatic I didn't even realize I was doing it. Now look, looking back at that video that my husband filmed me, it's like, yes it didn't look like I was flirting with him but it didn't bother him. Why? Because we've already had the discussion of what flirting means, what is okay and what is not okay. The second you're actually making a move on someone and you're saying hey I'm interested to take this further. Holy freaking shit. No. That's where I draw the bloody boundary. There is no in insinuation in the flirting.

If there is insinuation that this could go further in the flirting, that is where I draw the line. So you have to understand, if I was with a different guy who let's say, I don't have this discussion with and I touch this other guy's arm, you can imagine his jealousy goes through the roof, he starts freaking out, he says I've crossed a boundary, that I've disrespected him and me being the kind of like nonchalant like it didn't even dawn on me, I feel like, wow Flo, like I totally like disrespected him and I didn't even mean to and then you have to try and figure out how you're gonna overcome the argument and so on and so forth. So I'm gonna go back to where I started. You have to be very clear on what you actually mean. So there's a few more I'm gonna throw out here guys. I am gonna go keep going deeper. I want you to start to think about. That you're gonna sit down and talk to your partner about after you watch this video.

So we spoke about flirting. What about porn? Dude, it never dawned on me. It never dawned on me that somebody else would perceive their partner watching porn as cheating. It's so is not in my vocabulary. Like me and my husband so had this conversations like really early on that I was like, of course you watch porn. You're a guy. Like, I don't care. I don't think of it as a threat to me.

Now if you are saying no to sex with me and instead you wanna go watch porn, there's a problem there. But do I personally perceive my partner watching porn as cheating? No. But there are some people I wouldn't have believed it but there are some people that actually do. Again, this isn't a judgment thing. This is just like, oh my god I didn't even realize. So if I didn't realize guys, you can understand how when there's 7.1, what is it 7.2, 7,500,000,000 people in the world, that we're not all gonna think the same. So if you do not articulate very specifically about how you feel about flirting, how you feel about porn, then you're you're going to find it. You will.

I'm telling you, you will find yourself in a situation where this will rear its ugly head. Won't you prefer to address this before it does so that you guys are both on the same page and now, if they, let's say they flirt and to you, you've articulated what flirt means and you both recognize that that person now is crossing that line, you can have that discussion with them. You can say to them, hey we sat down, we spoke, we were both on the same page, we pinky swore that this is what we're going to do and this is where the flirting now turns into interpretation of it being cheating. You just did this. Did you mean to? And now, you can see you're not freaking arguing about whether it's right or not, you've already had that freaking discussion. You're now talking about, did they cross the line and if so, why? Now guys, now you're getting to the root of what arguments and conflict and boundaries are all about. You're getting to the frickin' root. Alright.

I'm gonna throw out one more because I really did think that I sat down there with my producer Michelle, we were like, what are all the things that people perceive as cheating? And so there was flooding, there was porn. Strip clubs. Let's actually talk about strip clubs, shall we? So have you had a discussion with your partner about strip clubs? Now notice I said discussion. So to me it's not like I turn to my husband and say you're never gonna go to strip clubs again because I think that's cheating. That isn't a, a two way street and a conversation when it comes to boundaries and I always think when the when you're talking in a relationship, it has to be 2 ways, God. It cannot be one of you freaking dictating. So even with my non negotiable, right? Where I said earlier about cheating, it was like I told him ahead of time and then he had the chance to choose whether I was the right partner. If he's like, well, screw that.

I wanna be with someone that can be flexible. At least he knows but now we know from the beginning, right? We haven't invested 1, 2, 3, 5 years and then all of a sudden you realize that someone's got a bachelor party and your partner goes to the strip club and you think, oh yeah, we're on the same page and then what happens? You start all like, wonder if you got a lap dance. Have you spoken about it? Have you spoken about that solo allowed or not? What if you did get a lap dance and he was just like, oh my god. I so didn't think that that was cheating and you haven't told him that maybe you do perceive that as cheating. Now, where do you go? It's really The damage has already been done. Now you're devastated that oh my god they got a lap dance and to you that that was like sacrilege. Whichever it is, again guys no freaking judgment. But there are people who perceive even going to a strip club as cheating.

There are other people that perceive strip clubs are fine but getting a lap dance is cheating or there are other people that are like, no, you can get a lap dance. You just can't go at the back room where maybe it may not be over the jeans if you get my meaning, right? Like, have those discussions. If you want to be with this person for the rest of your life, have those discussions. I've had all of those with my husband and I'm just like, sure go to a strip club. Again, I don't care. It doesn't bother me. I don't think of that as being as cheating. So if he goes, I'll be like sure babe, I don't mind you getting a lap dance but that's just me.

I'm not trying to put my own beliefs on you guys but you can understand now how me and my husband have been together for 20 years, how we just celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary because we've discussed all of this. These are the things that end up being the absolute massive crack in your relationship because there's no going back, there's no forgiving and God where do you go with that? So this whole thing about being being so transparent with your partner, that is why. And now one more little thing because this is the one, guys this is the one that I think creates so much freaking controversy but you need to have the discussion. If your partner likes someone else's Instagram post, if your partner texts somebody, another woman and doesn't tell you, are those things that are all cheating? If they reach out to a female on Instagram, on their dms, is that cheating? Again, it this isn't me dictating to you whether the answer is yes or no. These are the things that you need to right now make a list. Flirting, porn, strip clubs, texting, Instagram likes and DMs. Now write down on the side where you stand. Now get with your partner, sit them down and go over each of these things and again guys, I'm going to keep repeating it.

I said it earlier, this isn't you freaking dictating. This isn't them dictating. This is you working together together as a couple to figure out where these boundaries can be set, how you can articulate them so that you can move forward with ease and the goal is that these boundaries now bring you closer together because you can trust each other. That's the point, I've made my boundaries very clear with my husband, you can't cheat on me. That means you can't kiss another woman on the lips but he can go to a strip club. So now he knows he can go to a strip club. He can absolutely get a lap dance but he can't kiss him and they can't kiss him. Like it was so weird to have those types of discussions but now you can imagine he doesn't even not that he goes to strip clops because actually caveat, he doesn't really like strip clops.

But that's not the point. The point is I had that discussion with him and now if he goes you can imagine I kiss him, Have fun babe. I'm not worried. He senses I'm not worried. He knows I just want him to him to have a good time and there's trust. That's the key. I trust Him now to go and act in accordance to the boundaries we've set together And if He doesn't, then that actually guys is the biggest freaking red flag. The cool I know that you're somebody I cannot trust and I do not want to be in a relationship where I can't trust somebody so Adios, goodbye.

I'm so sorry but peace out. And that my friends, is why this specific boundary is imperative and it's gonna bring you closer together or it's gonna give you the freaking bad arseery to walk away. That's the key. Do not call me a bitch. Alright guys, again maybe you think this one is like an obvious one but I'm gonna be honest. My ex boyfriend was verbally abusive towards me and so he would call me all sorts of names. Left, right, center, and it absolutely was to diminish me, to make me feel badly, to keep me where I was, and sadly, at the time, it really worked. Now I was 16 at the time so I've grown since then but we all have triggers.

We all have triggers from our past relationships and so it is imperative that you discuss these triggers with your partner. So something like don't call me a bitch, where it's like there are so many times you can joke about that but that was one thing that really upset me in my past relationship and so in meeting Tom, my husband, he's full of jokes. So at the beginning, I felt it was just very important for me to set him up for success and tell him that, calling me names is a very triggering thing for me and while I don't think it should be in a relationship anyway, you may have found yourself in the moments of arguments where it's like, oh my god, you're being so obnoxious. Oh, for heaven's sake, you're being such a bitch. Right? Like, there are moments that in arguments, I can see that slipping out someone's mouth. No matter how nice they are, I'm just a realist guys. So I go, okay. In that moment, if that slips out that's really gonna upset me.

And so I was very honest to Tom about hey babe, I know you love me but these are all words that really trigger me because my ex boyfriend so please stay clear. Now one day, we end up having a discussion. A little debated, heated discussion and he turns around and he's like, you're being really bitchy. And I was like, homie we had this discussion he's like but I didn't call you a bitch. Now in that moment it kind of actually made me chuckle but the truth is that's freaking semantics. So in that moment where he like thought, oh I I, avoided crossing that boundary. The truth is he didn't really because it still triggered me. So again, these sorts of things is I set up the boundary, we discuss the boundary, we start executing on the boundary and then the boundary maybe isn't, thoroughly thought through.

And so in this situation, I basically said, oh, actually, let's actually refine this boundary even more because I understand, I understand why. Maybe to him, because I know my husband, he didn't do it deliberately. To him, I can understand why he's not good. I didn't call you this And there was almost, like, some pride in the fact that he knew my boundary and he was still very careful, but there were semantics to it. And so we had to refine it and that's okay. That is exactly what you're going to do which is why I'm telling you the story because the whole point is to have a boundary, discuss it, execute on it and when it doesn't quite fit, you have to like renegotiate. You have to refine. It doesn't mean that all of a sudden were there freaking obnoxious and you can't believe that they crossed your boundary and how dare they.

No. If you really believe in your partner, wants to do good, then in these moments you owe it to them and they owe it to you to refine what you mean. So you have to navigate. You really do. You have to navigate all of these expressions. The key here guys is to understand that language is freaking nuanced and you need to give your partner the absolute grace to be able to work on it as you work on the nuance in explaining it as well. Now in saying all of that, we've now gotten to the point where I've worked on my own trigger by myself. That's a that's a whole thing for another video of how on earth you work on your triggers but so I've worked on my triggers but also, it's been over time and over time that word has actually less and less impact to the point now where me and my husband literally can joke about it and there can be an example where I'll say something and I'll like, oh babe, I'm not sure if I wanna do that because of x y and z and he can look at me dead in the eye and go, this bitch and he can point at me and I will chuckle guys and I will do back this bitch.

And I literally just point on my hubby and I do it back to him. But I want you to know that's where we are today But where we started from was He couldn't even utter the word because I found it disrespectful. So in having worked on my trigger and having worked on the boundary, I'm now at a point where I actually can let go of that boundary. That boundary now doesn't serve me. I don't need that boundary anymore and so that's why again guys I wanted to talk about this one specifically because it is about the evolution of the boundary. It is about how you implement it, how you acknowledge it, how you refine it and then if and hopefully when you're at the point where maybe you don't need the boundary anymore. Alright. So guys, we've already addressed cheating which to me is like the red red freaking flag boundary that you need to do.

Then we discussed, what I like to think of as an orange boundary which is the one that can be very tumultuous if you don't actually talk about it and it can only escalate from there. So that it was the name calling thing that I just expressed and now, this is the one, guys, that when I say you'd be like, fast forward, skip skip this video, do not do not skip this one part guide I'm telling you because you want to dismiss it. I get it. And this is the one that may seem, it's a little yellow of danger. This is the one that will freaking creep up on you and before you know it, it will be the most dangerous thing in your relationship and you go, I blinked and I don't know what happened. So that's why you have to pay attention to this very, very specific boundary. This one is around the house, Household boundaries. Who makes the bed? Who does the dishes? Again, I know you wanna go Lisa, why the hell are you even bothering talking about that? That isn't a big deal.

Homie, it is a big freaking deal and let me explain why. So I was brought up to make the bed. My parents told me you always make the bed. All my friends always made the bed. Everyone I've met always said their parents made them make the bed. So guys literally the first time I go to his apartment I walk into his bedroom and his bed isn't done. And the first thought, the very first thought was, oh bless him I guess he didn't have time to make his bed. It didn't even dawn on me that he wasn't a bed maker because the sacrilege, like it it would have been growing up that bad if you never made your bed.

Like it was like everyone makes a freaking bed. Anyway, so I look at him and it's not a big deal, right? Because we're just dating. Who cares about who makes the bed or not? But then you move in together and then you get married and now it really freaking pisses you off that he never makes the bed and now you find yourself, you're always the one making the bed. And now you start to get resentment. They don't really say anything or maybe you do. Maybe you just say, hey, can you make the bed from now and again? They're like, yeah, sure. Of course. And the week goes by and they've made it once and and the second week goes by and they forget to do it again and now you're pissed again because you're like, I asked them to do it.

I don't understand. Resentment and contempt is the biggest problem you may face in your relationship. It is the thing that it just goes over time. Slight. You don't have resentment all of a sudden. It'll be bit by bit. Imagine, you clean your house or you clean your closet, you clean your bedroom, and day 1, you're in a rush and you take off your clothes and you're, it's just a shirt. I'm just gonna put a shirt there.

I'm gonna clean it when I get back. And then, you get that and you're just exhausted. And now, you take off the rest of your clothes and you put in, and I'm gonna do it tomorrow. But then, shit. You wake up tomorrow and you're in such a rush. And now what happens is, over time, if you don't pick up the clothes, your entire closet ends up ending up on like the bedside count or your bedside table or at the end of your bed or on a chair and it just starts stacking, right? And now before you know it, even just looking at the stack makes you anxious because the idea of having to do all of it from scratch is now too much. It's just like, it's just too much. That is exactly like resentment and contempt.

You're going to think, yeah, is it a big deal? Fine, they forgot to put the trash out. Is it a big deal? They forgot to make the bed. If you plan to be married or with your partner, I should say, for the rest of your life, project forward. What does this one little thing that you're like, yeah it's not a big deal look like in 5, 10 years? You know what it freaking looks like guys? It looks like disrespect. That's the unfortunate perception that you will get if you do not come up with a boundary and a discussion around this with your partner from the freaking get go. You'll be in therapy with your partner 10 years down the line saying I can't believe how much he disrespects me, I do all the work and he doesn't do anything, I'm done. Don't get to that point. Have the discussion with them ahead of time.

Okay. So, now you have the why, I'm gonna tell you the how. Now guys, I'm gonna tell you the how, all based on the mistakes I frickin' made. One of the biggest fallacies is that relationships shouldn't be work. Say what? We put time, effort, and hard work into growing our careers or our business, but love should just happen. After 20 years of being married, all starts with being willing to ask and answer hard questions. I have a free downloadable PDF for you for a happy, successful, lasting love. Click the link below for free access to the most important questions you must ask your partner, PDF.

So first things first, I start to realize, oh, this is who Tom is. He never makes the bed and then I actually start to get on my high horse. I actually start to look down on him as if I'm right and he's nuts. Because it was a belief system I had, I was like, who doesn't make the bed? Like I am so used to making the bed that my when I have to work, when I have to focus, I need the area around me to be tidy. If I'm working in utter clutter, I actually can't focus. So me wanting him to make the bed has a direct correlation with how I show up and my focus in my business. Alright. So now I discuss that.

So I'm just like who the frick won't make the bet? Like that's ridiculous and so I am now coming in on my high horse as if he's wrong, as if I'm right, as if how the hell do you surely you don't focus when the room is this messy And I projected. I actually judged him for it and he felt the judgment, I'm sure. That's not the right way to handle it, guys. Now, when he started to express his way, he also actually started to judge me. He's like, what kind of crazy person makes the bed? He's like, does your life change in any which way? Does it better it or worsen it? Because for him, his value system is in time. He actually can focus. Great. You can be in one of those houses like from hoarders and he could actually work and focus and be able to do everything possible even in one of those rooms.

Me, I would have anxiety up to the m freaking degree. So I was like, he's actually not like me. He can focus in this. Alright. Interesting. And then the second part was he just values time more than he values tidiness. And so once I started, once I stopped to just project my opinion and my, my judgment on him and I actually just stepped back to be like maybe there's something to listen to here, I started to realize it was just a collision of values. My value of it being tidy was that I can focus.

His value was time and he doesn't want to spend a damn second on something that doesn't matter to him like making a bed and he'd rather spend his time on what he values more, which is his time. And so here we are guys, now we come to the the foundation of what the the the conflict was. I value something different to what he values. Now the most beautiful thing is neither of you are right or wrong. I'm not gonna put judgment on a value system that you have and you shouldn't put judgment on a value system that your partner has, but you need to take it as truth. Now once you take it as truth and you take it as neither is right or wrong, neither is better or worse, one isn't like more superior than the other, Now you go, he is here and I am here and in a relationship, that won't work. You have to come together always and come up with a solution and so we tried a bunch of different solutions. First of all, we tried like, alright, let's just do it your way.

It drove me nuts. I even tried to do it my way. It drove him nuts and it it drove him nuts guys because he had to unmake the bed if he got to bed before me. That's what drove him nuts because I was like, okay. Well, what if I just do it? Right? That was one of the ideas. Well, okay. This is something that's important to me. Maybe you don't ever have to do it.

Maybe this is on me and I'll just do it. So I would do it and then he would complain that he would get into bed and that he wasted his time having to unmake the bed because you got to pull all the freaking sheets out and the like the mattress that you like pack in, you gotta move all the pillows off. And so he's like, now you're wasting my time again. So we tried different things and the point is is that you both see that you're both trying. You're both trying. Now, the conclusion we ended up coming up with, wait for it, the conclusion we ended up coming up with is me and my husband actually have different, duvet covers cause he likes to put one his right over his head and I like to let put it right under here because otherwise I can't breathe. So we have different duvet covers. So our conclusion was, babe, your side, I'll never touch.

I'll literally leave it. However you call out of bed, I'll leave it, but what I'll do on my side is I'll put it neat, I'll put my pillows and then I'll take my side and cover your big hot mess. So all you need to do is one sheet like that. How do you feel about that? And he's like, god, that's actually a great compromise. So now guys it is hilarious our bed literally right now upstairs our bed is beautiful in one half and then a big clusterfuck of lump on the other. But you better believe, both me and my husband are happy. I now don't have to see all this crap on the bed. It's at least somewhat me and all he has to do is like uncover one side.

So many of us try to be people pleasers, right? You and your partner to be happy but guys, sometimes that can be the worst freaking thing for your relationship. I'm telling you, it can be the worst thing for your relationship. There are 2 things that make like freaking nails on a chalkboard for me. It's one where a guy says happy wife, happy life. Oh. Oh my god. Like, it's nails on a charcoal while being stabbed in the heart while weeping all at the same time. It is heartbreaking to me that guys think that as long as they make their wife happy then they're gonna be happy but just like I said with dust settling with the clothes piling onto that chair, Over time, it's gonna wear on you.

Over time, if you keep saying happy wife, happy life, you're not gonna be happy because you never get what you want. It's the same with us women. We're always putting everyone ahead of ourselves. We've put our parents, our friends, our family because we've been taught and we tell ourselves that we should put ourselves last. So what ends up happening is we end up giving in, we end up being fine, let's not make the bed, fine, don't worry about the dishes, I'll do it all. And when you say it's fine, I'll do it all, that's when the resentment will keep building and guys, it won't happen immediately. This is the trick of it. It won't happen immediately, so you won't see it coming, but 5, 10, 20 years down the line, if you've always been sacrificing for the pleasure or the happiness of someone else, if you're the guy and you're always saying the happy wife makes a happy life and you're sacrificing constantly for them, contempt is inevitable, resentment is inevitable and then again guys, now you have to do the years of unwinding.

But what if you just address this all ahead of time? Then you actually save yourself. You save yourself all this time, all this emotional turmoil between you and your partner 5, 10 years down the line where you wanna rip your hair out because he won't fucking do the dishes. And that, my friends, is how you navigate that boundary. Alright. Put your hands up if you get pressured by your parents. Everyone, yep, you, you, you. Right? So Alright. Eric off screen.

Let's him. He literally just put his hands up. That's amazing. We so many of us get pressured from our parents. So many of us get pressured by our parents and it all starts from a kid. Right? It's like when you're 8, what are you gonna be when you grow up? By the time you're 80, by the time you're 18, what are you gonna study? By the time you've studied what job are you gonna get? By the time you've got a job when are you gonna get married? By the time you find someone, when you're having kids? Sound familiar? Sound bloody exhausting? Guys I get it. We I don't think in fact I'm going to hope our parents don't mean to right? They don't mean to make us feel, uncomfortable, guilty, awkward but the truth is they do, right? When they start to relentlessly keep asking you, what are you doing with your life? How are you gonna make your money? When you're gonna buy a place? When you're gonna get married? We start to film the shame, the single shaming. We start to feel the guilt over we're not, you know, our parents have struggled to pay for my college degree and now I actually don't want to be a scientist.

I actually want to be a stand up comedian, right. All of this, all the pressures that we have from our family can absolutely dictate how we show up. So creating boundaries that are healthy boundaries for you and your mindset are going to be imperative. So the first thing to do guys is acknowledge what is the thing that is really upsetting you. I'm just gonna say, what is the thing that really eggs you on every time you're just like, oh god. Every time I think about going for dinner, this is the the the gut feeling that comes out like the dread of them saying what? Alright, now you've got that you can write it down. Now you've got the thing that you need to address with your parents. Now I'm going to tell you my thing and then how I address it with my mom and we'll piece apart How we got there, the tactics and the tools in order so that you can now implement this with your family.

Alright. So my mom, god bless her, has always wanted to be a grandmother. Always. Since I can possibly remember, since a little kid, she gets, I can't wait till you have kids. I'm so excited. I can't wait to be a grandmother. Her brother becomes a grandfather. Oh my god, I'm so jealous.

All I want is to be a grandmother and she's saying this all in front of me. In front of my family, in front of the kids, everyone. Now I had planned to have 4 children. So you can imagine, she gets very excited but over time, as I started to grow, as I started to evolve, as I started to really lean into my own and ask the question, do I actually want children? As I was going through this process, every single time I spoke to my mom, every single time she saw me, the answer was, so when you're having kids. When you're having kids, when you're having kids, oh, when you're having kids, oh, when you're having You get the point. Now here's the thing, I love my mom more than life itself. I want to make her happier than she's ever been in her life and the only other thing that I want more than that is to not have children. So now imagine you can understand there's definitely a conflict right here.

I want my mom to be so damn happy, happier than she's ever been in her life, and the one thing that I want more than that is to not have children. So you can understand this collision of the pressure that every time I saw my mom, I started to feel the pressure more and more. I started to feel the pressure of, oh my god. Now, I'm sensing that I don't want children. I have start articulating it to her, and I started to feel the dread because I knew we had to have the discussion because what was happening was just like I laid out, every time I was talking to her she was asking me when am I having kids and it started to weigh on me, it started to make me feel like I was letting her down and it also started to not align with my future. Ever had that where you you're dreaming, you're thinking about what your future can be and your parents or your siblings are still back with where you used to be, and so now, the things you love, what you wanna do in life, the dreams you have are very different than the ones you had when you were younger, but everyone still sees you to as that younger person. So it is your job to articulate your evolution and your change to the people around you, if you want to get closer to them. So with my mum, I absolutely wanna stay close to my mum.

My mum is a like apart from my husband is the love of my life. She's my beautiful butterfly is what I called her. So I owed it to her to be honest with where I am in my lifespan and where I am in my career and the fact that I am now having doubts about having children. Now, it didn't go so well. She basically ignored it. It's the truth. As if it was like you're gonna change your mind. Now it was so dismissive that the next time I spoke to her, she was like, that's not when you're gonna have kids.

In that moment, yes I felt utterly dismissed. I felt like my words don't matter, I feel like I don't carry weight into the decisions I make in my own life. I feel like I wasn't hurt which guys by the way, being hurt is like the number one thing that everybody needs in a relationship. Now I heard that from a relationship expert but I just assume it actually makes up for every relationship, anyone. Friends, family, colleagues, everyone wants to be heard and in that moment where I didn't feel like I was heard, I got triggered again. Right. I was already struggling with deciding whether I wanted children or not and once I decided, I was already struggling with how do I stay firm on it and not let other people bulldoze me and so now here I was having the guts and the courage to tell my mom and then literally within 24 hours, she asked me the same question. Now in situations like this, I go to know Thy person.

I've known my mom now for my whole life and so I know that she loves me. Her dismissal wasn't a deliberate intent for her to dismiss me. Let me say that again, her dismissal because it was a dismissal, wasn't intended to dismiss me. That's the important nuance here guys, and once I could recognize that my mom didn't mean to dismiss me, She just loved so much the idea and she carried it with her for 20, 30 years that she was going to be a grandmother through me, that in that moment, it wasn't intended. So I now know there was no malice there because that's important. There was no malice there. I have to be empathetic and to know where she's coming from. For 30 years guys, she's been telling herself that she was gonna be a grandma.

She's already pictured how she's gonna read them a bedtime story. She's already probably planned their 5th birthday. She's probably already planned their graduation. Like, so for me to come in and say it once and to be like, now I've demanded it, you better follow suit. I don't think that is, in line with the truth of how human behavior works and it's not in line with do you actually want to bond with your parents? Yes or no. Okay. So that's how I handled it. I then went up to her the second time and I said, mom, I understand why it's heartbreaking.

I understand why it really did hurt that I told you that I wasn't gonna have kids. I get that, but I need you to also know this was a hard decision for me to make, and right now I'm not strong enough to have somebody trying to persuade me otherwise. And it's not that I'm not strong in my decision, I damn well am strong in my decision. I'm just not strong enough to handle right now someone being combative about my decision. And while you don't mean it, you keep bringing it up, pressuring me, is now starting to feel combative. I know you don't mean to, I know you love me, and I hope you know how much I love you. And then, guys, the key is to give them space to feel their feels. You've gotta give them the space.

I had to give my mom the space to mourn the idea of her being a grandmother. So if you are going to your parents, if you're going to your grandparents, if you're going to anyone in your life and telling them that you're making a pivot, give them the grace to process it. Give them the grace to have to mourn the vision they had for you. Now that doesn't mean that it's right. It doesn't mean that they should like I don't wanna even get into that. Again, I just go to human behavior is what it is, and if you want a close relationship with your parents, that my friends is exactly how I personally handled it and now my mom never never mentions me having kids again, but it's because we spoke about it, I gave her time to mourn, we came together and now our relationship is even tighter for it, because we were both open and able to be honest about it. So now, I gonna put a little asterisk by everything I just said. I actually get, guys, like I totally get that your parents, you may not be able to speak to them.

I actually don't think I could have that type of conversation with my dad. So there's the truth. Parents are different. My dad has a certain way of thinking and there are certain things that I've just accepted that I know. There's no persuading him. So now I have to decide, and this is the second part guys, everything In fact, lean in right now. Everything is a choice. If you know that your parent isn't someone that you can have this discussion with and you know every time you speak to them and every time you see them, they are going to trigger you and that trigger is gonna be very bad and detrimental to your self worth or to your mindset or to your brain health.

It is now if you've identified that, it is now a choice that you put yourself back in those situations. And I'm not freaking saying that so that you guys are feeling like a victim. Hell no. I am saying it as the opposite. I'm saying it to freaking empower you. Yes. It's a choice guys. I know you're gonna wanna try and like argue with me on this point.

You're gonna like Belisa, of course. I how can I not go to my family's for Christmas? You just don't go. Like it is a choice. Now look I'm not even saying I understand or I don't understand why you don't go. I do actually understand why you make the choice to go but don't freaking get it twisted. Homie, you absolutely have a choice. So if you choose, if you choose to go to your family vacation or family Christmas event or a wedding or whatever, knowing that x y and z is about to happen but it is a choice. You absolutely can choose not to go.

Now you may not like the consequences of your choice not to go, that's understandable. Then you just have to say, I would rather go to my family gathering than suffer the consequences that are going to happen if I don't go. Okay great but no one's forcing you. The second you start to think that you have to, if you use that word I have to go, I cannot say no. That is where you are stripping your freaking self of the power. You are stripping yourself of the decision making. You're a freaking adult, stop giving it away to your parents. When it comes to setting boundaries with your family you can absolutely try to make it work like I just laid out that I did with my mom or if the truth is you have parents or family or siblings or whoever that don't have a growth mindset that you're not able to communicate in any way shape or form and to be honest, I'm just gonna say it they may even make fun of you.

Oh here you go again with this mindset stuff. That may very well happen. Now, if you do not want to have to deal with all of that, you choose not to go. It becomes a choice. You may not like your choices but there you have it. They are a choice and now it becomes, are you willing to rattle the cage and set the boundary knowing that people may not respect it? And then the answer The thing that you must take further guys is what if they don't? Do you decide to negate your boundary and just go back to the way it is? What does that look like in 5 10 years? Is that now even more detrimental to your mindset? Or, you know, it's like, it's annoying. Yes. I now eat healthy and every time I ask for a salad, I always get made fun of by my family that says, oh, you're all fancy now and you want a salad instead of the chicken nuggets.

Like, you're gonna get people that say that. And in those moments it is up to you on whether you address it, you address it beforehand or you address it in the moment or you don't address it at all. But do know the most empowering thing, I'm gonna keep saying it is, it is all a choice. It is up to you if you buy the ticket to go visit them. It is up to you if you say yes to going to the wedding. You may not like the consequences but it's still a fricking choice. I've got something free and new to share with you right now. How often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough, that you're not good enough, experienced enough, not fill in the blank.

One of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie. And I wanna teach you how to do that and so much more in my 4 Steps to Becoming Confident workshop. And guys, the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this workshop. So, click the link on your screen and I'll see you on the inside. And the final thing, The final thing. I'm just gonna say it because it doesn't actually bother me. If I'm trying to preserve my mindset, I'm trying to preserve my health, I'm trying to bond with my family. So I don't really want to say no I'm not coming for Christmas or no I'm not coming for this x y and z reason because you know that's going to fracture your relationship.

I'm just gonna give you this other option, take it or leave it but lie. I really mean it guys. I actually hate lying. Even freaking white lies like I almost like never say even a white lie, because it doesn't make me feel good but I always think of that as the option. I don't want to damage my relationship with my family. They're never gonna listen, let's just say, they're never gonna listen to me though and so I'm going to have to pick my battles. And so, I'm going to pick the battle when there's a lot of people around because actually that allows me to not have a 1 on 1 with maybe a family member that always freaking traps you and asks you that uncomfortable question that now spirals you out of, emotional control. So if in those situations you just say, you know what? I'm so sorry I can't make it because I've got another commitment, or I'm so sorry I've got another date, whatever it is.

Like, whatever lie you wanna make up so that you don't have to go somewhere and put yourself in a situation that you know is going to trigger you and you know is going to have you and your parents, like, at it, lying is an option. But now look. Okay. I'm just gonna say I don't, I don't necessarily encourage lying but I totally understand where sometimes, for you to be able to have both or to for your own sanity, that may be making excuses, maybe is a better word than lying or reasons why you can't go. Again, I am all for that whenever it comes to preserving your mental health because that my friend is the most freaking important thing. Preserving your mental health. Boundaries with friends. Guys have you ever had one of those moments where your friend is just totally guilt tripping you into coming to an event or doing something with her and they just keep asking And they ask and you say no first and you're like, oh no thanks and they keep asking and they just assume that if you don't have plans and of course you're gonna say yes.

So they just ask you, oh, Jeff's on the plant? Now you get stuck. But now they just see your no as a negotiable instead of what it is which is a boundary. You said no and that's that. So how the hell do you navigate boundaries with friends when you want to bring them, because the goal is guys to bring your relationship together. That's why I'm gonna keep saying. You want to get closer with your homie. You wanna be closer with your friends not further apart. So again guys, the key is to set a boundary ahead of time.

Now in case you are in relationships and friendships where that obviously is impossible because you're already in that, it's no problem. Just start from now. Like literally, make a running tally of all your homies names. Then write next to it what boundary maybe you feel like you need to set with them or maybe you don't and then which is great. But if you do, set that boundary next to it and now frame as this is gonna bring us closer. This is gonna bring us closer. This is gonna bring us closer. That's gonna be imperative guys.

So know now knowing that you need to set a boundary with ex homie because it's gonna bring you closer, how the hell do you actually navigate it? Now there are many ways that you can handle this. There's a really really bad way which is stop asking me I said no. I wouldn't advise that but then there's also the actually the gracious way that your friend is going to feel that you actually want to get closer together. Now the answer is you are kind. That is number 1. You are kind in your response when your friend keeps pressuring you because I'm going to assume, let's just assume, that your homie wants keeps asking you because they really want you there because they absolutely love you and they know every time you show up oh my god it's gonna be a freaking blast. So if you say no they just keep badgering you because they really really hope that you're going to change your mind. And so don't go at them, be actually kind and see it as a good thing that you are wanted.

Now, how do you make sure though that you don't lead that or you don't let that, lead you astray? Well, here are a few ideas that you guys can use as your cheat sheet right now. So instead of saying, no, I hate concerts, you can say, oh my god. Thank you so much for thinking on me. I won't be able to go, but homie, I hope you have a freaking blast. Take a photo and send it to me while you're there. And let's catch up after. If someone invites you to a party, don't say guys, yeah, I'm too busy, I can't go. That feels like you're dismissing them and you haven't even considered it.

Now, in saying, yeah, I've really something, I'm not gonna go and them feeling like you haven't even considered it is now going to make them feel badly about themselves. And now I'm gonna go back to what is the goal of this boundary? To get closer together. So instead of saying something like that, what you can say is something like, I actually won't be able to attend this weekend because that actually needs some me time, but please let me know when you're having another get together and I'd love to absolutely join. If your friend came to you and said, man, I'm feeling so freaking burnt out. I'm tired. I don't have the energy. It's really making me feel sad. Like, I just wanna sit on the sofa and just recoup and, you know, I'm feeling so burnt out that I just wanna watch, like, crap on TV and just eat ice cream, because I'm really struggling right now.

Someone came to you and said that, and you'd be like, oh my god, yes, homie, you do that. Okay, you would, right? So now, if someone invites you to a party and they're a close friend of yours and you respond, if you're really feeling burnt out, let them know because again, they may make it about them. Oh, she didn't really wanna come. That's why she said no. Oh my god. Is she still really annoyed over that thing that happened 3 months ago? That's probably why she said no to me. They're gonna make up a freaking story in their mind of why you said no. And so, actually, just being honest and being transparent and saying, look, I'm really burnt out and while I'd love to, right now I just need to Netflix and chill with my ice cream and, like, that's that's all I've really got the energy for.

Then actually, it now gives your homie an opportunity to have your back. It gives your homie an opportunity to say, oh my god, of course. And now it also gives you an opportunity to see how much they really care about you. Because let's face it guys, if they turn around and say, what do you mean? You're you're gonna sit on the sofa and watch Netflix and I've got this party that I've been planning for 3 months? If they say something like that, what does that signify? They're trying to guilt you but not because they want you to be there. It's now become an ego thing. The second it becomes about them and the ego thing and they're you they're putting that above your own freaking mental health, I'm sorry that's just a relationship and a friendship that I personally do not want to invest in after that. And so now the beautiful thing about this boundary is it actually allows you to see who's just a seasonal friend and who is one of your freaking ride or die homies. Because let me tell you, I'm only interested in a ride or die homie.

And so this boundary allows me to actually see who is 1 and who is going to be there for the long haul. That is why guys, this friendship boundary is the best thing you can do for your relationship with your besties. The absolute hardest breaking boundary for us to set. Are you ready guys? It's gonna blow you away. It's the one we set with ourselves. That's right. My girl Melissa Urban actually really laid this out for me and it blew my mind because she's so freaking right. Let's face it, the reason why this is the hardest to set is because there's 0 consequences.

If, like I've just said spoken this whole episode about what happens if someone crosses your boundary, now at least you know. Right? You can either refine it or you can see that as who they are and you can decide whether you want them in your life. Yes or no. But there's no consequence when it's you. There's no one to hold you accountable. When it's you, you can convince yourself, you can make all the excuses and you can actually convince yourself of why your excuse is valid And now there's absolutely zero person to hold you accountable for not only the fact that you ignored your boundary but also the fact that you're now tricking yourself into believing it was the right move. You got a freaking double whammy right there. So when it comes to setting boundaries with yourself it can be the hardest but it is the most important because honestly if you can't even set a boundary with yourself and keep it, how the hell are you gonna be able to set a boundary with someone else and expect them to keep it? You can't even keep your own bloody boundary but yet you want and expect your partner or your friend or your your parent to hold theirs? That's double standards my friend and we don't abide by double standards here at Women of Impact because we only want to motivate people guys.

That's the point. I need to empower you so I'm not going to bullshit you. You will trick yourself into doing this. So how the hell are you making sure that you don't end up there? Write a cheat sheet. Be your own like accountability partner. Now write down, when I say I'm going to do something, I am going to do it no matter what. Okay. Now I'm gonna give you a perfect example of how easy this is to convince yourself and what I personally did call myself out on my own shit because I think that's gonna be important.

You have to actually learn this is actually the tip for this one, is you have to learn how to call yourself out on your own shit. So I've been really thinking about this a lot. I work out. I love working out but sometimes I'm just like, you're not gonna switch your phone on today Lisa because you're gonna be working out And then I convince myself, oh but I just have to check this one thing. And so I switch my phone on and then it do wells and then an hour later I'm like what the hell Lisa you told yourself you weren't gonna switch your phone and then you did it. It's not a big deal. It's fine. I just I just not switch my phone on tomorrow.

Uh-huh. I'm not gonna believe myself. So that's exactly what happened. I set this boundary, you're not gonna switch your phone on. And the first time I did it, I just convinced myself of why I did it, and then what happened? I ended up doing it every single freaking day. And so this boundary that I said I didn't even keep. So I was so aware. I was so aware because again, I go to who do I wanna be and do I show up every single day being that person? And so I wanna be the person that can rely on myself.

I wanna be the person where when I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it. That when I set a boundary with myself, I'm going to see it through. That's the person I want to be. Now, I realize I'm not there yet. I don't beat myself up over it, but I do call myself out on it because that doesn't settle with me. That is bullshit, Lisa, and you're accepting it and we are not gonna do that anymore. Alright. So come to, I wanna say like 5 days ago.

I know this about me, it's really been bothering me recently because I'm like, fuck Lisa, you say you're gonna do it and you don't do it, and you stick to other things and you stick to other people and your promises, but you won't stick to the things that you say to yourself. So okay, I'm repeating this to myself. Right? So I now realize it's a problem. So guys, that's where I want you to start. Recognize what is that one thing you keep saying you're gonna do and you don't do it. Don't beat yourself up. You're gonna give yourself grace right now but I want you to write that down. Okay.

Now that you've gotten it down, I want you to write next to it what are the excuses you use and then I want you to start writing next to that what are you gonna do when you say you're gonna do it and then you give your excuse like what's that, antidote if you will to the excuse that you're giving yourself. You need to do it all before you actually start. So because I started to realize this was a problem, I started to realize, hang on, Lisa. You're not a problem, I started to realize hang on Lisa, you're not setting, you're setting boundaries for yourself, you're not actually holding to them. Okay. Remind yourself of why you're setting the boundary, you're doing it because you're finding yourself being pulled stretched too thin and so the important thing is to make sure that you stay focused on your morning routine which is working out. So I've got my why and now I said the next time you set yourself a goal, the second you tell yourself you're going to do it, you're not gonna give yourself an out. So I just gave myself this blanket statement, you're not gonna give yourself an out.

So I find myself, I'm doing I'm doing these lifts right? And I'm in the gym and I'm doing these shoulders and I'm working my shoulders and I'm like, I'm just not feeling the burn anyway. I do my workout. I'm getting ready for bed and I'm finished brushing my teeth. And I look in the mirror and I'm like, yep I don't feel the burn. Lisa, you just need to go light. If you go light weight and do 50 reps, then you're gonna be able to feel the burn. So I looked at my Listerine bottle because I just finished brushing my teeth. I look at my Listerine bottle, I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. That weighs probably a couple of pounds. So I'm gonna do 5 50 reps right now to see if my hypothesis is right. So I pick up the Listerine bottle, guys, and I start doing this. After 10 reps, my shoulder was freaking killing me. It was killing me. And so literally, as I'm doing this and I'm like, oh you underestimated how heavy this was Lisa. So there's no way you're going to be able to do 50, so just do a 20.

And I'm like, cool. Do 20. I've literally in the moment and as I'm doing I'm like, oh my god. That's that moment Lisa. You've just convinced yourself. Hell no. What was the thing that I said? You've got to stick to your promise. So I was like, oh, alright.

I'm just going to stick to my promise. And so I was ready to quit at like number 15. I'm like, just get to 20. And the second guys, the second I told myself, you're gonna hold this promise to yourself, you're gonna hold this boundary that you set, you told yourself you're gonna do something and the boundary was that when you tell yourself you're gonna do something, you are the person that actually does it. So what ended up happening? Of course I end up doing 50 reps because I told myself you don't have a choice. It's like the story where, you know, people kind of perceive people don't necessarily realize how strong women can be. I'm gonna rephrase it. And then there's that freaking story where that woman gets in like a car crash and to save her child she has to lift the car or something like that.

And she actually lifts her car. That's the power of freaking belief, homie. That's the when she realized shit, I've got to pick up this car come hell or high water to save my child, there's no fucking excuses there. Either she should save her child or not. Think of it like that. Either you hold to your boundary or you don't. It's not about whether you're capable or not because I bet you, if you tell yourself you are, you're gonna find a way. But I wouldn't have known if I was able and trust me even doing this right now, my shoulder bloody hurts because I did it for both arms because you can't just do one arm.

But I held to it and so you better believe I can stand here firmly on my 2 feet looking at you guys straight in the freaking camera and being able to eyeball you and literally tell you, you better stick to that promise you make to yourself. If you set an intention of who you want to be and you know where you want to go and the person you want to become and you set boundaries in place, you better hold to them because if you don't, no one else will. If you don't, people are gonna freaking walk all over you and you'll have absolutely no right to point at them and tell them they've got to stick to the boundary you set because you're not willing to do it for yourself. Alright, Hopefully that was aggressive enough that that actually stumbles little guys to get you into action. But this one right here, the one by yourself is the hardest one. So in, I've taken you through the steps of how you can think about it and so the last couple of little tips that I'll give you on this one specifically is repetition creates habit. Repetition creates habit. Repetition creates habit.

So you're not going to be able to do this immediately. That's the final piece. You're not gonna be able to do this. It's gonna take time. It's gonna take a habit. If we really believe that it takes at least 30 days to create a habit, this is something you're gonna have to remind yourself every single freaking day. It also means that it's gonna be moments that you absolutely railroad over your own boundaries. That's okay as long as you recognize it and you get back up.

Don't say on the flan, oh my god I totally did it the opposite of what Lisa said and god now I'm a loser. Hell no homie, get the f up and show them what you're made of. That's what I believe. Of course you're gonna fall but are you the person that gets back up and holds to their word? If the answer is yes and then like I said it's gonna take at least 30 days, it's gonna take in fact longer than that, you're gonna have to keep trying. And so in order to make sure that you build that repetition, the things you can do are simple things like post it notes. Literally put a post it note on your mirror of something that reminds you that you are your own hero, that you only you can hold yourself accountable. Whatever that post it may be. You can do like a quote or something like that but seeing that post it every single day now starts to help rewire your brain that every time you wake up you have a belief system.

Now the other thing that I also do is I set alarms in my phone and I I do what I call, the you got this roulette. Now you got this is because that's the the phrase that I like and the whole point of this guys is that you actually put the message in the alarm that resonates with you. So if it's you got this, if it's like hold yourself accountable, whatever it is, put that in your alarm, close your eyes, spin the time, and press go. Now what you're doing is that alarm's gonna go off at any point. It's gonna go off at a random moment when you don't even realize. That's the point. It's to pattern in, disrupt. So now you've got one tool that is deliberate like pattern build, right? You wake up, you see the note, you believe it and then the other one is the pattern disrupts and it comes in and totally pattern interrupts you at the time that you don't freaking expect.

You do that over and over and over again. Trust me you'll get to the point where you don't need the alarm anymore because you're already cooling yourself out on your own shit when you know you're crossing your own freaking boundary. And homie that is what it comes down to. Are you willing to be the hero of your own life? Stop waiting for other people. Are you willing to actually hold yourself accountable? Are you willing to do the hard work in order to overcome all these problems we've spoken about today? Setting freaking boundaries with your partner, with your parents, with your family, with your friends and with yourself. Are you committed? If so, I want you right now to drop in the comments right below, I am committed. That's your first number one self signaling that you're doing to let yourself know that homie you got this, that homie you're committed and homie if you keep doing it and you will rinse and repeat and practice and repeat and rinse and repeat time and time again, then eventually you're gonna be able to set boundaries like freaking Kobe Bryant is able to dunk a ball. Here's a clip from the amazing Terri Cole, who is the boundary boss, and she explains how on Earth we can recognize where and how we have to set a boundary.

So let's start with how do you know your boundaries are disordered? How do you know that what you're feeling is related to that or you're if you're feeling dissatisfied or if you're feeling angry? So we always start with doing a resentment inventory. So this is like the beginning. If you're wondering, like, I wonder how my boundaries are. The real thing to check-in with is how is your resentment. So you can start to identify what relationships need your attention in respect to boundaries, and let's reestablish what boundaries are. It's you, like, think of it as your own personal rules of engagement, right, you letting other people know what's okay with you and what's not okay with you, and a lot of us don't do that, right, from the get.

Mhmm.

We're we're waiting to see if something's gonna be not okay, and then maybe we will do something about it and maybe we we won't, or we positively project onto the other person. Like, well, if I'm like this, then they're like this. And, again, not accurate because we need evidence to see how people are. So back to what do you do? You identify, I'm feeling resentful with my sister. She expects me to do x, y, and z. She's entitled or she borrowed money and didn't pay it back or I'm angry with my work partner or whatever it is. Those that literally, that's where you have disordered boundaries. So that's a start.

And then you have to look at that situation and go, okay. What is my 50% of this experience? Is my sister entitled or do I serve myself up on a silver platter to be quote unquote taken advantage of? Doing more than we want to, overgiving, over overdoing, being overly generous, even overfeeling most of us. And then when the person believes us or takes us up on it, we're, like, pissed and feel like they're taking advantage of us. So when we can own our own 50%, like, was I clear that lending a $1,000 to my sister or my friend, that it was a loan? And did I say when I would expect that loan to be repaid? And listen, PS, my 2¢ on lending money, never do it. Just don't. Just have a policy and said when someone asks you to borrow money, even if you have a lot of money, it's never just about dollars and cents. It will always become some kind of a shit show, like, 98% of the time. So I just have something you can say.

Hey. I just have a no lending policy. It's not personal to you. If I can afford to gift it to someone, I do. Right? That's a choice. Right. If you wanna give it to them, but that's now it's a clean exchange. And if the person's like, why? I wanna borrow it from you.

You can just say, hey. It's not personal. This is how I protect my relationships because money is not just about money. It gets complicated. I'm happy to brainstorm with you ways for you to make the money that you need or whatever. But if you know that, if you if that's a way that you can know your own boundary and be ready when someone asks you. So long way around the barn, back to your question. We identify our grievances, basically, our resentments, and then we look and go, oh, where was I unclear? Did I expect them to read my mind, or did I say it, did they agree, and are they violating our boundary agreement? Because each one of those things is a different situation.

Right. So you would handle each one of them differently.

That's what I was actually gonna ask you because when it comes to resentment, there are multiple factors when it comes to that. Was it they were entitled and it's them, and now I haven't spoken up about the entitlement, so now I'm holding on to resentment? Is it the fact that I haven't set boundaries, and so it's not that they're entitled, it's just that I've never told them no, so they're just gonna keep asking, and so actually that's more of a me thing where I need to see and look inside myself, and then as you were saying about like with the resentment and where you are, I think so many of us, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, how we convince ourselves that it's on us, that it's our fault. Mhmm.

Yes. Well, first of all, I wanna first speak to the entitlement piece because even if we don't know what's going on with someone else, we don't know if they feel entitled, are entitled, it's all when it comes to our boundaries, it's always an us thing because we are the keeper. We are the one who knows what is our preference, our limits, and our deal breakers, and those are your boundaries. What someone else is doing, the dance that they're doing on their own side of the street, whether you like the dance, you don't like the dance, maybe they are acting entitled, maybe they say you owe me, that's them. You have to take responsibility for your your part, for being clear, for precisely, right, accurately, transparently communicating your boundaries, which is why it's so important to be proactive. So if you have a no lending policy, that's proactive, so you're not taken aback in the moment. Right? You you know if someone asked me to borrow money, I have a no lending policy, it's not personal to you, or and maybe I can gift it to you if I can, right? Back to the second thing you asked, which is about we take it on ourselves. We feel like it's our fault that something happens.

Now this goes under the category of a lot of times the lies we tell ourselves, right, I call it, to avoid speaking up, to avoid having a conversation that might be difficult or maybe that we feel like we are not, we don't have the skills to have. We're like I just don't know what to say to this person and I'm worried that they're going to be angry, upset, reject me, that I won't be liked. I mean, if listen. We may not say that with words, but at the base, so much of disordered boundaries has to do with people pleasing. Like, we want people to like us. I was saying this the other day at some talk that I was giving, like, literally it could be someone you don't even like, And then you find out that Betty doesn't like you and you're like, what do what is it Betty what what do I do to Betty? Why wouldn't she like me?

Why do we care? Why do we? What is that then?

Oh, part of it is that we're trained to be likable. If you were raised as a woman. Think about all of the, indoctrination that happened in our lives. Be a good girl. Turn that frown around. Where's my happy girl? If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Like, I could keep going. And this is what got us positivity, and it was reinforced, most of us, by the adults in our life.

And all we want is for them to approve of us and to love us and to not reject us. Because think about with kids, we learn how to get our needs met to the best of our ability. So if you you were raised in a dysfunctional family system, maybe you had an alcoholic parent. You no one needed to tell you how to manage that person. You figure it out. I'm gonna refresh mommy's drink. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna make dinner for the other kids so mommy can be in a good mood and just stay here.

Right? Nobody there was no interoffice memo that told you how to do that. So there's so much of our young experience has to do with our adult experience. And even if you didn't weren't raised in a dysfunctional situation, we still just by being raised, at least when we were being raised, right, within that period of time, but it's been for all of life that women are supposed to be pleasant. We're supposed to care more about how other people feel and other people's comfort or discomfort than our own. That's what we learned. Now, of course, we know that is a recipe for endless self abandonment, and the least satisfying life possible is let me just make sure everyone else has what they need because what ends up happening and this will bring us into the conversation about codependency because it's all connected. But what ends up happening when we prioritize the wants, needs, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes of all the other people in our life above our own is that that literally is a one way you know, what do I I like to say it's like a slow train to Bitterland. There's no other stop on that train.

There's no other way that you will end up feeling. Eventually, we feel used, abused, angry, underappreciated, and who who does that help when we think we're doing all this self sacrificing for, like, the greater good, taking one for the team or whatever it is, whatever other lies we sort of tell ourselves about why we're doing it and learning the language, becoming fluent in the language of boundaries, liberates you from this Groundhog Day of frustration in life. And when we have disordered boundaries, you also have to think about, are we really being honest

to the people, to

ourselves, but also with the people in our life. If we're saying yes when we really wanna say no because I don't wanna hurt your feelings, so I'll say yes, or I'll say I'll do something even though I don't wanna do that thing. Are we being nice? Is all of that is under the umbrella of, well, I don't I just, you know, I want I said it to be nice. You're like, you said something dishonest to be nice. Is that being nice? Hell no. It is literally giving the people in your life corrupted data about who you are, about what you like, even the small things. Like, my my therapy clients when I would talk about their preferences, like, what are your preferences in the beginning of the book and the way that I teach it? We do a huge list, the okay and not okay list, so that you really go through every single area of your life, from home life to relationships to physical wellness to financial to spiritual, all of it. And you're like, what's really working and what's not working? And so much of the time, we are tolerating so much that it's completely unnecessary and there are small changes.

And usually with people, we start with making the small changes where you start caring about your own preferences. It may be something as simple as having like a caustic overhead light in your work area or in one of the rooms in your home, that every time you put it on you think, I really hate that light. Change the fucking bulb. Don't use that light. Get a floor lamp that you do like. And there are so many ways that we can make our lives more, like, more aligned with our preferences without it being a burden to someone else.

You know? That's so strong, and I don't wanna interrupt you because you're so Please do.

On fire.

No. So on fire. I wanted to ask you though that in moments where you maybe you're feeling the resentment, right, so that's that's one of the signs. Okay? If you're feeling the resentment, it usually means something. Write it down. Figure out where that comes from. How much should we be going back into our childhood to see where it stems from, and a lot of what, you know, we talk about is like with utter grace. Right? Looking back into your childhood and not beating yourself up over the fact that maybe you were silent, maybe you didn't speak up, but at least identifying it so that you can then implement it into the boundary that you need today.

Yes. So good. Here's the thing. Being aware of why you are the way you are. So I talk about it like we we reveal your unique downloaded boundary blueprint. So we learned this. There was modeled behavior. There's so many good reasons that we don't know anything about how to healthily establish and maintain boundaries in our lives because not only were we not taught it, most of us, we were taught the opposite of it and all the myths that abound around boundaries.

That if you have good boundaries, you're a bitch, you're hysterical, you're bossy, you're not feminine, you're mean, whatever whatever the whole thing is, and, you know, we have to look at those things as well, But how you can figure out, like, is the way that I'm responding right now now, or is it really being fueled by unresolved or in original injuries basically from the past, is something happens when we start to have a transference to other people. And a transference is basically having a reaction to something now that is and the the now is very familiar in some way. It's similar to something that happened to you in the past. So what was adaptive in childhood? Perhaps our silence in childhood protected us from abuse. Perhaps our our silence got us the love that we needed, got us the care that we needed. So super adaptive makes sense. Like, wow. Go you, little person, that you somehow figured that out with nobody telling you it.

So much of that becomes maladaptive in adulthood. And instead of it getting us what we need or keeping us safe Wow. It blocks us from getting what we need. So if you find yourself in a situation where something happens and you get activated really quick or you get really hot really fast, this can be an indication that you're having a transference from something from the past. So I give you these questions that you can ask yourself. Who does this person remind me of? Where have I felt like this before? Or how or why is this behavioral dynamic? Maybe it's approval seeking. Maybe the person is withholding that approval. How is this dynamic familiar? If you ask yourself those questions, you might go, oh my god.

I'm relating to my boss like my withholding father, but now is not then, and my boss is not my withholding father. How can I change my behavior so I don't turn into a 10 year old when I'm interacting with my boss and sometimes it's simply bringing it from the basement, which is your unconscious mind, into the main part of the house, I like to say? That sometimes is enough for you to go, oh, look, that thing is happening, but I don't need to be afraid of my boss the way that I was afraid of my father. So I can speak up. I can respectfully disagree. I can have the conversation. They're paying me for my thoughts. I can tell them my thoughts. Even if I disagree, my thoughts are different than their thoughts.

So that's one tool that you can use is those 3 questions for clarity because it's really helpful. But, again, if you're having an amplified response and you know it, Sometimes something will happen, and then later you're like, that was like a lot. Like, what just happened for me or my what I said or how pissed I got so fast, that seems like maybe there's something else going on. And again, I'm I so agree with what you were saying about we're looking back with grace. We are having compassion for our little selves, for the adults in our life that we can assume they did the best or maybe they didn't, but it doesn't even matter because none of this is about them. This is just about you. You want to become masterful of boundaries. It's becoming the observer without judgment of yourself and your reactions in real time where you go, that was weird or that was a lot or I wonder why I was so hurt by that person's comment, but that person is not someone I love.

So how is this familiar to me? Because that pain was deep. Can it really be about my coworker? I doubt it. If you have a deep pain from someone you don't actually love, I promise you you're most likely having a transference and that person is reminding you of someone else. I had one of the stories that I share in the book, I had a client who every job I didn't know this in the beginning, but her first job, she comes in and she wants to talk about her arch enemy at work. She has this woman. She can't stand her. She's so entitled. She's so bossy.

She's a know it all. Blah blah blah. And I was like, okay. So we started talking about that. Now I don't see a pattern because it's just one job. Then she stole my client. She gets into another job. She has another arch enemy.

I'm like, all right, how many people have this happened? No, this is unique to this, because she was like, I'm sure this, everyone has this. I was like, definitely not. So this is definitely unique to you, so now we see a pattern and I was like, we ask the 3 questions for clarity finally. I was like, alright, tell me about this person. Who do they remind you of? Where have you felt like this before? And the way you're interacting and how frustrated you are with this woman, how is that familiar to you? And she was like, oh, my god. It's so embarrassing. All of these people are just like my sister,

who

was a total bully, who was and then listed all of the qualities, and she's like, Terry, this is so weird, but it wasn't weird. This is incredibly common, and I was like, but can you see that the lady you work with is not your sister? So what do we do when we realize, oh my gosh, I'm having a transference? We go to the original injury. So with that client, I went back to with her, let's talk about what situations from your past with your sister are still painful to you. What have you not processed? Tell me everything. Let's talk about it, write about it, journal about it because it was the child within her who never got the satisfaction of the sister, like, owning her bad behavior, and through our work, she she was able to have a clarifying thing. Her sister was like, I'm so sorry. I feel so guilty. I know that I treated you badly, but I really love you.

I mean, they were able to do it, but the little kid within my client, she needed that acknowledgment. So we can only ever talk it out or act it out. Those are your 2 choices in life. So since she hadn't talked it out, she was continuing to attract situations that she could act it out because that injury was still sticky. It was still hurting her. It was still there, you know.

Oh, my god. That is so strong. I've never heard that before.

I think I made it up.

That's really freaking powerful because that, I mean, again, I'm so tactical because I can't get out of my own head. So I always like to have words like that, where it's like, oh, Lisa, you're acting out, that means you haven't talked out yet. Like, it just gives me almost like signals that I can then help myself in those moments. Yep. And then as you were saying about the amplification part, I actually really like that as well because when you're over having amplification part, I actually really like that as well because when you're over having a like an let's say an abnormal reaction to something, that is a sign of maybe there's like pent up things, right, and you've brought maybe your childhood into this one interaction. So like 20 years of your sister, you know, pushing you around or anything, and now you're having it on that, you're acting out to your coworker who you've only known for like a couple of months.

Exactly. And you're so mad that you're talking about it obsessively in therapy. I'm like, this is no way is this about some lady you've known for 4 months. It's just not. And understanding that all of us, I mean, this is the way the human mind works, that we will have transference, but your awareness of what happens to your body and, like you said, having the amplified response, that is the red flag to go, hey, hit pause, who does this person remind me of? And the moment you're, like, oh, my god, that mean 3rd grade teacher, that's who this person reminds me of, That's why I'm reacting to them I am the way that I am inside. Mhmm. But now I have a choice because I took a break, like, took a little pause, and I can respond in a mindful way, taking into consideration my life experiences because we're all so unique, you know.

And I love understanding all these elements because it allows me on being, like, if I'm in the place of the recipient, where someone else is overreacting Yes. It also allows you to have empathy towards that person to understand where they come from and know it's not about you most of the time. No. Like, sometimes it probably is about you. It may be about you. But, in those moments

But mostly it's not though. I agree with you. Because here's the thing. Even if someone is angry with you, if they're making a whole narrative about why you did what you did. Right? You're not intentionally hurting someone. Why? I'm not intentionally hurting someone. And if they go into a whole song and dance, so much of the time that has to do with their background. Now if I love you, how you feel is most definitely my concern.

And if I have done something to inspire a painful experience for you, I care about that, and you can care about that without taking responsibility for the way the person feels, but I do want to know, so it's a good distinction to make Mhmm. Where it's your feelings are your side of the street. My feelings are my side of the street. That's it. Even though we interact and when we're in committed relationships and loving friendships, we care about how the other person feels without taking it on, without taking responsibility for it. That's having good emotional boundaries.

That's so strong and when I was in as I was starting to learn about boundaries and being on both sides, so I think it's super important to talk about the both sides, you being setting the boundaries and then somebody who may not realize that the other person isn't setting the boundaries with you, so now maybe you've crossed the line you didn't actually realize was a line you've crossed because they haven't articulated it to you. And so in moments where you are unsure about someone's reaction, right, or not even unsure, you're just like, woah, where the hell did that come from? Oh my god. Right? And you may then make up a story in your head about why they're doing it. Usually, the story we make up is about us. Of course. Like, oh, they're upset with me because of x, y, and z. Oh, was it that thing that I said 3 weeks ago? Right? Like, we so freaking make up an entire story. Uh-huh.

And really they they're on their period, and they just had an argument with their partner or something like that, but you make it about you. In those immediately I used to get defensive. Right? Like, oh my god, what have I done? This person's coming at me, immediately I used to get defensive. Right? Like, oh my god, what have I done? This person's coming at me, put my walls up, and over time I realized what would have to be true for this person to react like this? That's really helped me to go, oh, what's happened to that person in their life? And then that empathy piece now allows you, I feel, like to have a better relationship with that person, because it's not you both coming at each other like that now.

It's such a great point and it's so true because one of my, psychological heroes, doctor Harriet Lerner, says defensiveness is the archenemy of listening.

She's

so brilliant. I mean when you think about people getting defensive or you getting defensive, that is literally the end of a meaningful dialogue. It's over. The moment someone's like, I did not. Why do you always say that? We're done. There there's nothing meaningful is now happening. So if someone is accusing you of something, if you know you didn't do the thing or even if you did do the thing, being like, I see that you're upset. Let's talk about this.

I'm, you know, let me, tell me what happened for you. I want to understand. Help me understand. Right? There's ways of talking to someone we care about who's in an activated state if we cannot get activated ourselves, you know?

Yeah. But when someone's coming at you, and you've you've spoken very eloquently about how to deal with difficult people when they're just coming at you Mhmm. And to your point, most of us put up our walls, our defenses, that's how we've survived. Right? And as up to where we are now is to protect ourselves and but that protection then becomes these walls and these, the divide between you and the person versus if you're trying to have a great relationship bringing them in and close

hard and someone accuses you, you will most likely end the conversation and ghost them. You'll be like and I'm not talking to you anymore, goodbye, Or you will deal with it and then ghost them. Like, you're so much more likely, if you have rigid boundaries, to basically cut someone out of your life than you are to actually have a difficult conversation, right, and then with people who whose boundaries are too porous you're, take it on yourself, just like you had said before where you go, oh my god, you're so right, it's all me, it's all me, it's all me, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, and neither one of those extremes is going to create a healthy or deeper understanding between the two people, where we have to be able to listen to each other and not take it on. Mhmm. When someone's like, you did this, I'm always like, hey. I'm actually not taking that on, but I'm very interested in what your experience was, and I care that you feel that way. Please stick to your side of the street. Tell me about you.

And because the thing is that person has no idea what my intention was. I have no idea what your intention is. So to say, well, you did this for this reason, that is just literally making up a script. It's like fortune telling. It's not true. If we and and it's so much easier to go to anger and be like, this is why you're wrong, than it is to be vulnerable and say, this is why I'm hurt. Right? Because, really, when you think about anger, it's we we see it as sort of a primary emotion. Right? A lot of people are quick to anger because it's easier to be mad than it is to be vulnerable.

But always when therapeutically when I look with clients underneath their anger, inevitably, there's hurt, there's pain, there's sorrow, there's sadness, and those are emotions that I feel like we want to avoid more because anger kinda feels empowering, you know, where sorrow does not.

Oh my god. You just hit me because I that is me. I actually go to anger first. As you were saying, I'm like, oh my God, that's me. That's fascinating, and you're a 100% right, it feels more empowering. It feels like I'm stronger by getting angry at something, then retreating, and then I feel weak. I feel like I'm being pushed around. I feel like I'm being manipulate, and I'm trying to like stand up for myself and show up, And so the anger does give me that, like, encouragement, I think, to step forward.

That's so powerful.

But it's with your anger, though, like, with with anger at things or injustices, that's that's perfectly appropriate. Right? Where sometimes we do use our anger to fuel our our, you know, progressive motion forward, let's say. It's more about being mindful if you're interacting in personal relationships around using anger to avoid vulnerability.

And how many how much do you find, that happens in couples?

All the time.

And is that why you think that people couples end up arguing so much because they're no longer allowing themselves to show the vulnerability to their partner?

It's it's always I I think I mean, we can make a blanket statement that it's unmet needs. Right? The anger. There's there's a need that is going unmet, and so if we could talk about the need and make a request, right, a need, a preference, if we could share those things, which are basically sharing your boundary preferences rather than pointing out what's wrong, rather than being pissed off, rather than, it's so easy to point out what our partner is doing wrong. Like, that's so simple. It's incredibly pedestrian. You're like, listen, dude. Anybody can do that. You wanna stay married for a long time? You're gonna start looking at what they're doing right.

You're gonna appreciate what's right about them and not try to change them. So I think that couples who get caught in this fighting all the time and being petty, like, that's what I see. Even couples that stay together, there's like a pettiness to them wanting to be right. And many years ago with my husband, I just decided there's gonna I love him for who he is. He's nuts who's not. He's got his own neurosis. He's got his own stuff, but that I was gonna really work to, like, love him for who he was. So he had all these quirks, like, we all do.

Again, I'm no day at the beach. I'm scared. So I'm just saying, like, I I he he deserves a medal for sure. We've been together 25 years, but we would one thing that would used to happen all the time, we would go shopping, and he would always leave. We'd be online, and I would usually not bring my pocketbook, and he would always leave the line till I go get something we do not need, and it would almost inevitably be more expensive olive oil. It would be like crazy. It'd be like, we really need this. I'm like, we have 40 gallons of olive oil.

We don't need it. And so I used to get so mad, where he I knew he was gonna do it, and I'd be like, what? Hello? We're checking out. What are you doing? Then I was like, well, why? You know this is like a weird it's like a skip in the album. Like, this is not he's not doing this. It's not you. This is just like a weird quirk. Leave him alone. So then I started bringing my credit card in, and I'd be like, if he wasn't back, I'd just check out and just pay for it, and that would be that would be fine.

And then I just decided I was gonna not care that if I stood online and and he was going to get his thing, I was like just accept him, and it's unbelievable how it doesn't bother me at all now. I give away olive oil at any point when someone needs it. I have lots to give, but I also am like, there's no reason to fight about something that is stupid. And I could also choose to not go food shopping with him. He likes to food shop. He could do it. Like, there are so many ways around having the same fight over and over because I find with couples we get polarized on things, and you're like is this really about this thing? Is it really about olive oil? And of course it wasn't, but I couldn't figure out what it was about and I decided the relationship is great. I don't care.

Feel free. Get all the olive oil you want.

You know? That's so powerful because, in that situation as we're talking about boundaries, it wasn't like you just set a boundary with him and said, hey, next time I you cannot leave the aisle. Right? Because that's one of there's these beautiful nuances that we're talking about here where, yes, you set boundaries, yes, it's a great thing for your relationship, for your your self care and everything like that, but there are situations like what you just laid out where it's like, no. Not instead of setting a boundary with him, always set one with yourself to be like I'm not gonna leave the house and stand in line without a credit card. Now you've got a boundary that you've set within yourself Correct. And you have the control because I'm a bit of a control freak quote unquote. Sister. Sisters. Yeah.

But that ends up allowing you now to not have the resentment that you even said right when we where we started this whole interview is that the resentment is one of the signs that you need a boundary, but maybe in this situation, the boundaries with yourself are not with the person.

That is absolutely accurate. And internal boundaries, which are your boundaries with yourself, have so much to do with everything. Being a boundary boss means you keep your word to yourself because and when we don't, that's having disordered internal boundaries. When we say I'm gonna do this thing or I'm gonna get out of this bad relationship or I'm gonna, for my health, I'm gonna walk every day for 15 minutes or whatever it is. And so much of the time, we fall down on those things, and we have to really look at how we show up for all the people all the time.

Mhmm.

But a lot of times, we don't do that for ourselves.

If you wanna know more on how to set boundaries and absolutely end other people manipulating you, you've gotta check out my conversation with my girl, Terry Cole. Click here.

Being a boundary boss means you keep your word to yourself because and when we don't, that's having disordered internal boundaries.