Common Marriage Money Knots and How to Untie Them

Money problems are a leading cause of marital stress, separation, and divorce. How can you undo these marriage money knots? Find out in this episode of the Catholic money show.

One of the most frequently asked Questions or emails that we'll get from somebody describing their situation asking for help is one of 2. 1 of 2 things. Mhmm. They're 1 it's a situation where there's just not seemingly enough money At the end of every month, to accomplish the things that they would like to do or feel called to do. That's a conundrum. 2nd most common, maybe right up there, is I want to work on this. I'm ready to x, y, or z with our money. Get out of debt.

I'm ready to start saving. I'm ready to invest. I'm ready to buy a house. I'm ready to really rein in spending with with the skill of budgeting, but I can't get my spouse to do it for this, that, or another reason. And this, that, or another reason is what we're gonna talk about In this episode.

Yes. The dumb husband.

No. Not always the dumb husband.

No. It's not always

our fault. Maybe the dumb husband 7 out of 10 times. And then if but if it's, reversed, right, it's either the spendy wife Oh. Or the overbearing wife. That's True. She is out there. And, obviously, we don't wanna slip into these, I don't know. What do you wanna call them? Caricatures? Yeah.

That's good. That's good. Extremes, if you will. Mhmm. Very, Very few people actually fit that those molds exactly.

It's easy to say.

One side of

the story. Say, oh, the dumb husband doesn't care about anything, but beer and football.

Or

whatever. The wife doesn't do anything but shop till she

drops. Yeah. That's just

That that

that's not real. Really get the whole picture.

No. But there are some real issues that folks experience, and I'd like to talk about some of those today.

Mhmm. And, again, it's not always, and we are gonna have this conversation kind of in honor

of Mhmm.

The upcoming feast of our lady, undoer of knots.

Mhmm.

So we wanted to untangle some of the most common marriage money

knots. Nice.

And I thought it was a little hard for you to Say in that intro. Hey. Money marriage. I wanna say that 10

times fast. Tongue in a knot.

But The the reasons that these knots exists do vary. It's not always, oh, they're just a they're just a A lazy person or they're it's easy to wanna just simplify it and to think, here's the

reason why lazy bum. She doesn't care.

It's never that. And there's usually I'll ask a series of questions to these people that are reaching out to us.

Mhmm.

And then through these series of questions, it's kind of a a yes, no, and give me a little more context. I'll be able to boil it down to one of 3 different categories that maybe their situation falls into. And I think you're gonna introduce us to some of those

tonight. Yes. And it's so important to undo these knots. And they you know what? They might be tight because they've been pulled on for quite a while in your relationship. They might be pretty big and nasty. Maybe they've been doubled up on top of each other or there's multiple knots, knots on knots. Mhmm. It's so important to get them undone because they will eat away at your relationship.

Absolutely. And more importantly, if you know, this is called the Catholic Money Show, so I'm assuming Most of those most of you who are listening

are Catholic using money. Oh, yes.

Sorry. Are Catholic and using money. And if you're married, We believe that you're called to complete financial unity. And anything less than that, not to be tolerated, is to be militantly pursued And evicted from your relationship. It is unhealthy. So many people do not know how to Become financially unified. Yeah. Not it's not just, oh, okay.

So we're a Catholic married couple, so we got a joint bank account. So the externals, you united? But then what about the internal? The way you're thinking about money, the way you are engaging with it, The way you're planning it and managing it, these things matter. The internal things matter. It's not just, oh, on the outside, we have 1 bank account. That's not enough. And that's usually I mean, that's a great first step. We highly encourage that. It's what we recommend.

But there's just too much under the tip of the iceberg that isn't seen or visible from the external that you've gotta work on, and it's possibly more important for Fostering that financial unity in your relationship.

Well, let's undo some of these knots.

Let's undo

them. The first would be an uneven burden of planning, or managing your money? So 1 person 1 person's doing all the work. 1 spouse is trying to budget. One spouse is paying all the bills. 1 spouse is making all the decisions. 1 spouse knows what's going on, And the other one doesn't have a clue. And this could be maybe they don't wanna have a clue. Maybe they Nobody's given them a clue.

Maybe it's intentional. Maybe it's not. But it's an uneven weight of responsibility that's being felt, And that can lead to resentment Yep. Can lead to overspending and even unintentional overspending? Because the other person's didn't know.

Blind. They're not in the details.

Mhmm. Oh, I I didn't know you didn't have enough for that. I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. Sure. This so this can and this can look like, yeah, uneven spending. So, right, there's just an 1 person's doing the work, 1 person isn't.

I would say even if you maybe the spouse who's doing all the planning Ends up then do all the spending

too. Can. Yeah.

And then the one who's in the dark might be afraid to spend it all.

It could go either way.

Yep. They really could go either way Depending on if they're a spender or a saver. A spender might just go wild. Just go spend a spare. But a saver might be so fearful that there isn't anything. They need that permission, if you will, seeing a budget and say and somebody saying, look. There's money. It's designed for you to go spend.

They need that. Yeah. And so it could it it it it end up being you could be warped in your spending.

I'm really happy that you said those things Because it speaks to how many different ways this could come about. And so it's we can't just say, oh, well, you're in such and such situation where spouse a is doing x, y, and z and spouse of b is doing x or WQ and R or whatever? There's so many different variables in play. The personalities Mhmm. If they're a spender, if they're a saver, if they're in the know, if it's intentional, if it's not Temperament. The temperament of the person who does know the things. All of this, can come together? So you can't assume. If you're in the dark and you're listening, you can't assume what the other person is thinking or doing. Or if you know everything and your spouse doesn't, you can't assume anything about where they're coming from.

Mhmm. You gotta talk this one out for sure.

Yeah. Because the the temptation could be that the person who's in the know just assumes that, you know, They're the only one who cares about this. And so and, you know, I I've felt this in our own marriage at times, but the lie that can creep in is that unless I do it all, it is not gonna get done. And that is a super toxic Lie the enemy will like to to to fill in, especially when there's an maybe an uneven yoking of of tasks or things being handed out. And sometimes there isn't going to be an equal distribution. Some seasons, there's just not gonna be that. Or sometimes there's a temperament that's just better and more adept for these types of financial planning tasks than the other one. But you'd have to agree on those things.

And regardless of you and you have to both, Once a month, sit down and actually look at things together, make your plan, budget, even if it's 1 person Saying, here's what I came up with version a. What do we wanna do? Are we agreeing on this? Do we need to tweak it? And you plan and then budget, and then you spend according that as a team.

Mhmm.

So the person who's really the planner might put in an hour of work, and the person who's maybe Not the planner, but here's just as much might come for the, you know, 15 minute budget meeting, but then you both stick to it throughout the month. Mhmm. So the time commitment there does look different between both those spouses, but they both care the same And then are committed to the plan. Mhmm. So that's a knot that can be undone Through planning and and and budgeting.

Yes. By handling it together as a team, as a couple. Another nice tip for this is also to have an agreed upon amount for spending. Certainly, it it wasn't invented ahead of time. It wasn't budgeted maybe, Or if it maybe just takes up a significant chunk of a budgeted amount, but there's a a spend limit that should trigger A call or discussion before the spending. Or a text. Something Mhmm. To go, hey.

I saw this. I think it kinda lined up with what we're trying to do. No. It's not quite in the budget, but, you know, whatever it is. If I we need to agree on this and just know what the

number is. Yeah. For most people, it's probably somewhere like $100.

Mhmm.

And that'll vary. Some people, it'll be a little higher. Some people will be a little bit lower.

Yeah. Depending on your current financial situation, your goals, all that. You're gonna have different amounts.

For example, a category like groceries Mhmm. I don't call you when I'm about to spend $400 on groceries at Costco.

But If you saw something about, I don't know, a quarter cow on sale or whatever Sure. You probably would call me because that one thing is so much.

Right. It'd be like, well, I'm just gonna take half the grocery budget and poof it off in the night on this one thing, and now we have to make the rest, the other work for the whole month?

How are

we gonna do that? Let's noodle it together. Yeah. Yes. That would be a good example.

K. That's not not. And the next knot is having different expectations and or goals. So you guys so the first one is kind of your Managing your an uneven distribution of work. The second one is just uneven expectations. What is this money for? What are we supposed to be doing with it? You could have 2 just different ideas. Yeah. And then you're getting frustrated with each other.

And just to tease it out, it's not what you think about money. No. We'll get to that in a second. Will. This is more just I think we should be getting out of debt this year. Uh-huh. And then the other person is saying

We should be getting investing going.

Yeah. I think we should be investing. So you're both trying to go in 2 different directions. And even if you end up splitting the difference, if you will, end up watering down your progress, And it breed it can just breed frustration.

Mhmm.

And so we don't encourage just splitting the difference. But, again, that financial unity, you need to be of 1 heart and mind in deciding that there is a knots? Specific goal. That is going to be your priority right now. And it might be directly related to finances. It might be indirectly, but then there's The money component to it, but you have to have the same unified direction you're moving.

Mhmm. Like the other knots, this one Can come about very, unintentionally. Mhmm. This this kinda happens. Oh, yeah. And it's not that the other person probably is in thinking, oh, well, what you think is dumb. That's a stupid goal. I'm doing mine instead.

All you did is listen to a podcast episode about Bitcoin, and now you wanna get it or whatever. You know, I can see how these things would come up.

Mhmm. Or if not coming up, coming on the side and being held on to Mhmm. And ruminated on and festering resentments against each other?

I wanna get out of debt, but all you wanna do is spend money at the grocery store and go through Chick Fil A. Just you know, these things can happen and not get voiced.

Yep. So you need to, instead of yelling at each other in your minds, Speak out loud to one another and figure out what your goals and priorities are as a couple and as a family and do that together. Mhmm. Because, right, I'm I'm trying to get whatever you just said. Get out of debt. You're trying to put good food on the table or go to Chick Fil A. We're both trying to provide for the family.

Mhmm.

We both want good things for our family. Mhmm. We're just unaligned on which good things and how to get them.

Yeah. And when you get aligned on a direction and a goal and a purpose, It just gives you a lot more momentum, and the punch that you get to deliver towards whatever that goal is is just more powerful. So, again, this is so important because, you know, we've been there many times where It just feels like we're kinda getting nothing accomplished, and there's nothing happened financially for us, and scratching our heads. You know, this happens even to to the Teixeiras. You know? We've been at this almost 12 years now. And I every time, I can kind of boil it down to, oh, That's because we you know what? We finished and kind of wrapped up that last goal we were working on, and we didn't identify the next one. What that next priority was? Oh, so all the money is just kinda getting watered down all over the place, and we just kind of took the money that we were directing very specifically at x, y, or z goal, finishing the basement, saving for the adoption home study, whatever it was. And it just kinda got Leaked out amongst groceries, maybe a little extra giving, maybe an extra date night, whatnot, And we're not really getting anywhere, and that leads to just feeling frustrated.

And so it's really important to always have. Doesn't always have to be some ginormous goal like getting out of debt, but just something that you are working towards together as a team. And if it's financial or not, there's gonna be a money component to it 9.9 times out of 10. And I think we actually have a podcast episode on when we discuss Pat Lencioni's book, 3 questions of a frantic family, where he goes into talking about rallying cries. That could be a really important thing to bring to the table at this point. If you've got different expectations, different goals, and you're both kinda duking it out over whose might be more important, well, That might be able to give you a little bit of encouragement on maybe which one should go first, or you can use some discernment resources, like father Tim Gallagher's book, discerning the will of God, about Ignatian spirituality on how to discern between

goods. Mhmm.

And sometimes, there isn't gonna be you know, if they're both gonna be just really good goals, and maybe they're both the same priority, But you pick together. You pick togetherness over your own thing, your own goal. Maybe you flip a coin, to be honest, just to be Really fair. And you just turn it and then after this goal is accomplished, we go right to that other one. Just something to help you get unified and aligned is really, really essential.

Yeah. Discussing amongst yourselves, of course, but then also looking outside of yourselves for a little guidance as well. So look at those books. Sorry about it. I would also put forward the wallet win method, the 12 money milestones True. As something to look at. That could also help you understand maybe in order since a lot of us are gonna have a financial component. Oh, let's look at Financial

steps. Right. Yeah. People will come to us often and say, like, gosh. What should we do next? Well, Wallet one method. Twelve money milestones. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. It's a staircase. You can't screw it up. Get on the conveyor belt. Move ahead. And to do it step by step by step by step.

We've already prefigured this out. You do not have to reinvent the wheel. And so that right there is a huge lift off people's shoulders. People feel relieved when they know that, oh, There's a system and a method that I could just follow, and I don't have to figure this out and smell something. No. Wallet and method is there for you. That's exactly what we teach inside the Catholic Money Academy. Yeah.

So The first the first money milestone is to better understand what we call your money mindset, the way you think about money, And that really helps with the 3rd knot, which is different mental images of money. You have different ideas of what money is. Right? You you both you're you're 1, you're both unique creations, from God. So you you're you're different people. You have different personalities. You have different past experiences with handling money personally, and maybe most importantly, You grew up in different families. Mhmm. So you had a whole different set of experiences and lessons both explicit and implicit In your very formative years of this is what money is, this is what it's for, this is how you do or do not Handle it.

Mhmm. And those things, they shape us, and they influence us even if we've never thought about it. They're there in us, and so it it's good to just sit down and just examine your own Perspective on We can think. Hey. This is I mean, we I don't know if this makes any sense or if it's even true, We probably all think water tastes the same, but doesn't it also taste like the inside of our own mouths? We can't tell What the what another person is tasting when they're not eating anything? Or are we

all just a good analogy.

All just smelling the inside of our own noses when we think there's nothing to smell? Maybe my nothing is totally different than yours. I can't no. Because what I have is my experience, I have as the bar, as the example, and I think, well, that must be what everybody else thinks about money because that's what money is. Right? When it comes to money, there's a lot of they're all similar, but they're a little bit different. Mhmm. So you gotta understand what do I think about money, What experiences have shaped me? And then share with your spouse what you found.

I'm not sure I could have said it better. Wow. Keep some good things.

I'm glad this is recording.

One thing I might add is, first, you you know, you recommended kind of getting into the the weeds there and thinking about how money has shaped you individually

Mhmm.

Personally. So you have to do that work yourself, They need to share it with each other. Share your findings, if you will. Mhmm. And so I encourage you, spouses that are gonna do this, to just do it with acceptance and openness and to really refrain from judging, or shaming or manipulating or it could be a temptation to wanna Try and force this other person to see money the way I see money. And when it's A moral issue? Yeah. I agree. Maybe you ought to do you ought to do that.

Not maybe. You ought to do that. Let them see a different way. Absolutely. If it's a nonmoral issue, let it go. Help each other grow in virtue, and it's okay if they think about money a little bit differently than you. Jonathan and I are opposites in temperament and personality. Mhmm.

And we had to learn something real early on in Harmerich. It's the

That Amanda's always right. No.

It was the remember the the skin the cat?

Oh, yeah.

Which is kind of a gross phrase. I don't even know what it means other than

I don't think it means

I guess what

it Other than what it sounds

like. But, essentially, we got some really good advice from older married Couples, that just said, look. If it's not a moral issue, let them skin the cat however they see fit. And so we've just chosen prioritize that. If this is not a moral issue, who cares how they load the dishwasher? Who cares how they go about organizing the budget categories? Who cares that, You know, they like to be a little more generous than the average bear. Mhmm. This is just don't make molehills into mountains here. Mhmm.

And try not to judge the other person. Be open. Be accepting. But, again, Because of financial unity. The goal here is not to just stay in your own spots. It is to say, look. Great. These are the things we brought with us and were influenced in.

Well, what do we want for our future? And then you get to decide. Well, you know what? Growing up, I saw and experienced that You know what? Money was just burning a hole in my pocket, and we gotta keep up with the Joneses, so let's go shop. Well, that's not gonna serve our family. So let's decide we're gonna drop that, and instead, we're gonna, you know, fill in the blank here with a more healthy money mindset, a more healthy view of it. This is the Lord's resource. He's entrusted it to us. We're called to be the best stewards as possible with

it.

Mhmm. And so you're you're gonna Train out some of those things that aren't gonna serve you, and you're eventually just 1 by 1 getting more unified, Not just in your heart, but also your minds about what you think about money. I was actually just thinking about this this morning.

Oh.

I forget what happened. Oh, you know what it was? We had a reward at Chick Fil A, And Jonathan got a free sandwich.

Heck, yeah.

And it was kinda highlight of the day.

Highlight of my day. Hell, yeah, man.

And then you found a Fiverr on the sidewalk?

On my way walking to Chick Fil A. Everything was coming out of Hell House.

And you were so excited about it. So ex it was so much easier. Excited about it. And I will just say that We might be opposite in our personality, but we both came into the relationship as just naturally Frugal, thrifty deal hounds, and it really, really is something that unites us. And we've I see other people struggle with that in their marriage. But for us, it's kind of like, oh, thank Thank the lord that I'm married to somebody who thinks exactly the same way I do when it comes to getting a freebie or We're not cheap. We just really appreciate and love when there's a deal.

Hell, yeah, man. I'd say this this is as as you are sharing this as it's becoming something you talk about with your spouse. I think the more you do this and the more that you learn about Money together, the more you're handling money together, planning, doing all these things, undoing all the knots. The more you do this together, I think the more similar you will end up with the way you're looking at money. Right? You both sure. You've got no control now over where you guys came from, And it could be totally different influences. Yeah. But you now have the choice of how you are influencing yourselves and each other from this point forward.

Yep. And so you can do that together, and you will end up closer together True. And probably in a better spot. Like, those old they say I don't know if it's true. They they see these things online. These old couples end, you end up looking like each other. At the same way? And you'll end up looking like each other in the way you view and handle your money.

Thinking about lies.

Choose to work together.

Thinking about yeah. You'll you basically could Give this you know, you'd both know what the other person would even say. Mhmm. Somebody asked for advice or whatnot. Try both say that same thing if your kids came to you later in life asking for help or whatever because you're just of such one heart and mind. Love it. Now I can hear people listening to this episode, not literally, but they're they're in a knot. They're in one of the knots we talked about.

At least

The uneven burden of planning and management, different expectations of what our next goal should be, Different just thoughts about what money is or what it represents or how it should be spent. And I can hear them saying, Yeah. You just identified what's happening.

But what do I do? What can I do to get unified? I've got 2 things. I've got some of this. I've got, like, an ice cream sundae for you. Oh. I've got the ice cream.

Another food analogy.

The hot fudge on top. Alright? The ice cream is our money together mini course. It's a 3 part workshop where we talk about the different mental images of money

Yes.

That you where you with your past? We help you. We work you walk you through a workshop with your expectations and goals of how you where you wanna go with your money?

Yeah. What dreams you have and maybe how you could get there?

And we talk about Financial intimacy and the stages of that so you can make sure that you're integrating your finances together. So it's a 3 part. It's at walton.com/moneytogether or use the link in the show notes, of course. And I've got a little secret for you. If you use the promo

code not As in?

Cannots, the things the things you wanna untie

Our lady endure of cannots.

You'll get $10 off. So that's wallet win.com/moneytogether.

Code nots. Hundreds of couples have gone through our money together Mhmm. Over the last Couple of years since debuted. In fact, we're actually about to go deliver it live as a half day workshop.

That's true.

Coming up. So, if this is something that you think your diocese or your parish would be interested in, we can come and do this with a large group of people.

Yes. And it's also been it's being, incorporated into marriage prep programs.

Mhmm.

So it's a great resource, and I look forward to you going through it. Now that's the ice cream. That's the scoop of vanilla

Give me the hot fudge.

Which is delicious on its own, But I wanna make this even better. The hot fudge is calling from mama Been praying with our lady, undoer of knots. Mhmm. Of course.

A novena.

Even just a just throw it up. Quick prayer. Whatever you want. You know? Maybe this is something, yeah, you pray a novena for. You just get close with her. Ask her. You know? You see that image of her, and she's, you know, she's holding that Ribbon or string, what that is. Just think, hey.

Alright. I'm just gonna put our financial situation in here. I'm gonna put Me and my spouse working on money. That's the that's the cord I want you hold right now. She'll undo it. Now just like hot fudge, at least for me, I like eating it plain. It's good, And I like ice cream plain. It's also good.

Will you put them together? They help each other out. They make each other better. So why not

do both? Why not?

I might go have some ice cream now.

Until next time.